The Akatsuki's Daily Life
by 01Corkscrew
Summary: After the events on the Maury Show the Akatsuki return to their hideout in Rain Country and resume their daily life.
1. Monday: Arguing With Akatsuki

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

_**Monday: Arguing With Akatsuki **_

(At the Akatsuki's hideout in Rain country.)

(The Akatsuki's hideout looks like a regular rain country house, two stories tall...above ground.

Below the first floor and below ground is a secret underground cave. The design of the cave is like an ant farm all the layers and stuff like that then at the end of the ant farm tunnel there is a large boulder with a hand print scanner. After one of the Akatsuki members place their hand on the scanner the bolder lifts up to reveal another cave which leads to a wooden door. When the door is opened there is a normal living room. You know a couch a TV, chairs, a coffee table, and anything that belongs in a living room. A door leads to the kitchen and dining room, and a door that leads to a stair case going down that leads to the Akatsuki's hallway with doors to their rooms and ONE bathroom, and another stair case that leads down another floor, The Akatsuki Leader's office (not Tobi/Madara it's Pain...in this story.) *Note Leaders office is next to the basement were Sasori keeps his left over parts. Christmas...Birthday...*Yes they celebrate their birthdays*...Halloween crap.* There is only ONE bathroom in the entire Akatsuki organization. But Konan has her own privet bathroom that she so kindly shares with leader so he won't have to deal with the idiot's one floor above.)

(The Akatsuki just got back from the Maury Show *Look back on my first story if you haven't read it.* Konan is holding the infant trying to keep him calm so he won't cry. Kakuzu and Zetsu are holding Itachi back from killing Kisame. Sasori, Deidara, and Hidan are holding their ears in a desperate attempt to tune out Itachi's yelling rage. Leader is somehow able to tune out everything and give orders, Tobi is just so happy and Deidara is starting to get annoyed by how happy Tobi is and is about to snap.)

(Kakuzu and Zetsu let go of Itachi after he promises not to attack Kisame. Zetsu and Deidara sit in favorite their spots on the couch. Kisame sits down but in constant fear that Itachi is going to kill him. Hidan and Kakuzu go to their rooms to do their thing *Just guess* Tobi went down to the basement to get the Christmas lights *it's early August* and put them on the above ground house and when he puts them up and turns them on at night. The light is so bright it makes the area around the hideout was brighter than day. *Details in a later story* Konan was taking care of the infant and Itachi is sitting in his rec-liner chair staring anger-ley at Kisame. *I mean a I will set you a blaze right now death glare* Then Leader called everyone to the living room for a meeting. Everyone is sitting in their usual seats except Konan who was holding the infant, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Sasori who were standing in front of the TV and Tobi who was standing next to Deidara. Leader was standing in front to the door that leads to the first stair case with a loaded shot gun. *Leader is the only person in the ninja world with an extreme gun collection and a riding lawn mower *Details in a later story*.)

_**Leader**_: Now every one of you morons have embarrassed the Akatsuki names! Hidan with your constant bitching! Sasori with your logical complaining! Deidara with your temper and wanting to take the state and the Akatsuki out with your explosive art! Need I go on! And Itachi you are going to give this brat a proper name and take care of it since it is your kid and your problem! And Kisame! If you haven't given Itachi illegal alcohol none of this would have happened!

_**Hidan**_: Now who's the one bitching! Huh?

_**Kakuzu**_: Shut up! Hidan you do more complaining than anyone is this organization put together!

_**Hidan**_: Really? cause I remember a certain blonde bitch doing a hell of a lot of complaining on the way back here! And as I see it the only blonde in this whole organization is...

_**Tobi**_: Deidara Senpai!

_**Deidara**_: TOBI! How many times do I have to tell you SHUT UP!...You swirly bitch.

_**Tobi**_: Is Tobi bad?

_**Deidara**_: Yes Tobi is bad. Bad, bad, bad. Bad Tobi!

(Tobi starts crying)

_**Sasori**_: Thanks a lot Deidara.

_**Deidara**_: Humph!

_**Zetsu**_: You know when Tobi starts crying he won't stop and he gets very, very, VERY! Annoying.

_**Kisame**_: Well how was I supposed to know that Itachi can't hold his liquor?

_**Itachi**_: *Death Glare* this is all your fault.

_**Kisame**_: My fault? If you didn't drink the liquor in the first place then THIS would have never happen!

_**Itachi**_: I'm going to kill you now. (Itachi has a calm face)

(All the Akatsuki are arguing except Konan and Leader and the infant starts crying. So Leader picks up his shot gun, cocks it, aims at the roof and fires.) _BANG!_ (And they all finally shut up.) Konan keeps the baby from crying.) (All the Akatsuki stop and stare at Leader in fear.)

_**Leader**_: *cocks the shotgun again points the gun at Hidan* Hidan! you need to stop your constant complaining and bitching.

*Points gun at Deidara* Deidara you are going to anger management classes and if you don't, there is a shotgun bullet waiting for you.

*Points gun at Tobi* Tobi, Shut up.

*Points gun at Kisame* Kisame I am almost tempted to fire off this shotgun into your head, because of you we had to go on national TV and expose the entire Akatsuki to the (BEEPING) world!

*Points gun at Itachi* Itachi you..Are..Going..To..Take..Care..Of..You're..Kid.

*Holds gun to Itachi's head* or. Else.

_**Hidan**_: Humph, Now who needs anger management? Heheheh

_**Leader**_: *Points gun back at Hidan* You say something?

_**Hidan**_: Nothing.

_**Leader**_: *in an American southern voice* Damn right nothing. This meeting is over.

(Konan hands Itachi the kid and Leader hands Itachi the kids birth certificate, the mothers name already on it, and Leader wrote Itachi's name on it and they both walk away down to Leader's office to do paper work. The other Akatsuki are sitting in the living room trying to deicide what to watch and they are fighting over the remote...Itachi is deciding on what to name his kid. The others decide to help.)

_**Deidara**_: Name him Sasgay! HAHAHA!

_**Itachi**_: *Death Glare*

_**Deidara**_: *Silence*

_**Kisame**_: Name him Bruce.

_**Itachi**_: Not even if you paid me.

_**Kakuzu**_: How much are you asking?

_**Itachi**_: Sarcasm Kakuzu.

_**Tobi**_: Name him Rover.

_**Itachi**_: Over my cold dead body.

_**Leader**_: That can be arranged. *cocks shotgun* *Just came up because he forgot his gun*

_**Hidan**_: Name him Jashin

_**Itachi**_: Shut up Hidan!

_**Hidan**_: (BEEP)ING MAKE ME BITCH!

_**Leader**_: *Cocks shotgun*

_**Hidan**_: *Shuts Up*

_**Deidara**_: Hey Sasori you have an idea?

_**Sasori**_: I'm staying out of this cause I don't give a flying (BEEP)

_**Zetsu**_: Name him...LUNCH!

_**Itachi**_: No, wait, What? Oo

_**Kakuzu**_: Name him Ryo.

_**Itachi**_: NO! For the last time, his name is FLUFFY!

_**Konan**_: Don't name him that! Name him Angel. ^.^

_**Leader**_: Name him Damien; or something close.

_**Itachi**_: Hmmm... I think I will name him Lucifer.

_**Hidan**_: WTF is a Lucifer?

_**Leader**_: It's another name for Satan.

_**Deidara**_: That sounds perfect for the son of Satan..Erm..Itachi.

_**Itachi**_: *Death Glare*

(Itachi not wanting to deal with the other idiots that might make another stupid suggestion he writes down Lucifer as the boy's name.)

_**Itachi**_: There his name is Lucifer, Happy?

_**The Rest of the Akatsuki**_: Yeah pretty much.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi wants to play with Lucifer. Can Tobi play with Lucifer?

_**Itachi**_: Knock your self out. (Hands Tobi Lucifer)

_**Tobi**_: He is just so...

(Lucifer grabs Tobi's hair and then *RIP!* out comes a lock of his hair.)

_**Tobi**_: Ow, ow, ow, ow, Here Itachi you can have him. Ow

_**Deidara**_: Heheheh, I like this kid already.

_**Sasori**_: This kid is as evil as Itachi

(Konan comes out and picks up Lucifer.)

_**Konan**_: Hey Itachi I'm going to watch Lucifer while YOU go and get more supplies for Lucifer. You know everything you need to take care of him. Just so you know what to get, I made you a list.

_**Deidara**_: Hey Konan you better write that list in large print for old Eagle-Eyes (Sarcasm)

_**Itachi**_: Bitch

_**Deidara**_: Whore

_**Itachi**_: SLUT!

_**Deidara**_: Tramp!

_**Itachi**_: Damn right

_**Deidara**_: What? Oo

_**Itachi**_: Nothing (Looks the other way.)

(Itachi takes the list and says.)

_**Itachi**_: It's six p.m. so I'll go tomorrow.

_**Hidan**_: Whiner

_**Itachi**_: Shut up

_**Hidan**_: Humph (Mumbles random stuff and clearly calls Itachi a bitch)

(Thirty minutes later all the Akatsuki except Leader, Konan, Sasori, and Lucifer are in the living room trying to find something to watch and Tobi is chewing on the remote.)

_**Deidara**_: Ugggh. There is NOTHING ON!

_**Hidan**_: Shut up Deidara your whining isn't going to make it any better.

_**Kakuzu**_: Hey Tobi stop chewing on the remote and turn it to the Shopping channel.

_**Deidara**_: Don't change it to the shopping channel change it to Mythbusters.

_**Itachi**_: Change it to the Torture channel

_**Hidan**_: Change it to the History channel they have a documentary about the world's bloodiest massacres.

_**Zetsu**_: Change it to the Cooking channel I want some new ideas on how cook my victim..er I mean meat better.

(All the Akatsuki in the room except Tobi who is still chewing on the remote stop and look at Zetsu.)

_**Kisame**_: Change it to the Discovery Channel, Shark Week is on.

(Tobi is chewing on the remote *with his mask on somehow* and he chooses a few numbers at random and that's the channel it stays on. Tobi bites down hard and the remote breaks and gets stuck on "Creature From The Black Lagoon" (A horrible black and white movie that looks so fake and It's on for a eight hour marathon. and the TV is so big and heavy they can't move it to get to the plug or manually change the channel.)

_**All the Akatsuki**_: NOOOOO!

_**Tobi**_: ZZZZ...

**(8:00 p.m.)**

_**Sasori**_: Dinner is ready everyone come and eat. (Sasori is in charge of making Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner.)

_**Kisame**_: Not yet this movie gets better after the third time you watch it.

_**Deidara**_: I wanna look away but I just can't.

(Leader just came up to hear them complain and pulls out his shotgun. *cocks shotgun* _BANG! _ A new whole in the ceiling)

_**Sasori**_: Leader I just patched up the whole from the last one.

_**Leader**_: We must make sacrifices to keep this organization together.

(The Akatsuki sit down for dinner *Sasori can eat in these stories* their dining table is a round table. On the table is a nice large ham with mashed potatoes, green beans, a large bowel of gravy, dinner rolls, and cranberry jelly. The Akatsuki sit in this order all the time. Leader sits next to Konan who sits next to Itachi who sits next to Kisame who sits next to Hidan who sits next to Kakuzu who sits next to Deidara who sits next to Tobi who sits next to Sasori who sits next to Zetsu who sits next to Leader. Everyone gets their share and starts a conversation.)

_**Tobi**_: Saturday Tobi is going to put up the Christmas lights.

_**Deidara**_: It's July!

_**Kakuzu**_: And you are never aloud to use the staple gun again.

_**Tobi**_: Why not?

_**Itachi**_: Because last time Hidan got his body chopped into pieces you stapled his body parts to random things around the hideout.

_**Hidan**_: YEAH! AND I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND MY RIGHT PINKY!

_**Sasori**_: Oh yeah, I found that four months ago stapled behind the fridge.

_**Hidan**_: HEY! WHY THE (BEEP) DIDN'T YOU (BEEP)ING TELL ME!

_**Sasori**_: Because it was just a skeleton pinky finger.

_**Hidan**_: WHAT!

_**Kakuzu**_: Shut up Hidan.

_**Hidan**_: THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, YOU HAVE ALL OF YOUR FINGERS!

_**Kakuzu**_: I'll attach a new one...tomorrow. Zetsu, you have a lot of left over hands and I want you to bring me a hand for Hidan...tomorrow.

_**Konan**_: You guys are going shopping tomorrow. Every single one of you are going.

_**Kakuzu**_: Zetsu, scratch that, make it Wednesday when we get Hidan a new pinky.

_**Hidan**_: HEY! (BEEP) YOU KAKUZU!

_**Kakuzu**_: You should be ashamed.

_**Hidan**_: Humph.

_**Leader**_: *cocks shotgun*

_**Akatsuki**_: OO *crap*

_**Leader**_: What? I was just reloading. For the next time you guys decide to argue. Just remember this gun will be waiting and it's been anxious to kill one of you idiots. I wonder who it will be.

_**Akatsuki**_: I'm done. Whose turn is it to wash dishes?

(They look at the list and see its Sasori's turn.)

_**Sasori**_: (BEEP)

(All the Akatsuki go down a floor for a shower, one at a time. As you know Leader and Konan have a privet bathroom one floor below.

Three hours before all the Akatsuki get done with their shower/bath. And Deidara is the last one when he bursts out with what used to be the bar of soap.)

_**Deidara**_: WTF is THIS! (Holds out what looks like a large hair bar.)

_**Itachi**_: I think it's the soap bar?

_**Hidan**_: You have got to be kidding?

_**Kisame**_: That soap is hairier than a cave man's back!

_**Tobi**_: *Scared* It looks like its going to come to life.

(Deidara drops the soap and everyone backs away. Then Konan shows up.)

_**Konan**_: Hey guys what's... (Looks on the ground and sees the soap bar.) Up? What is that?

_**Zetsu**_: The soap bar.

_**Konan**_: Wow, you guys seriously need to go shopping tomorrow. There is a sale at this clothing store, So I will go to. And I'm sure you boys will help me carry all my stuff?

_**Hidan**_: YOU CAN CARY YOUR OWN DAMN STUFF! YOU GREEDY BITC(muffled by Kakuzu)

_**Kakuzu**_: If you don't shut up and stop mouthing off to Konan, Leader is going to electrocute you in the bathtub with a toaster.

_**Hidan**_: BRING IT!

_**Leader**_: *cocks shotgun*

_**Hidan**_: *Crap*

(After random yapping everyone goes to sleep.)

_**Tobi's Room**_: MANGO, MANGO, *sped up* MANGO MANGO *slowed down* MANGOOOOO!

_**All Akatsuki except Tobi**_: TOBI GO TO SLEEP!

_**All lights in the Akatsuki hideout**_: CLICK

**To Be Continued... in Chapter Two: Shopping With Akatsuki. **


	2. Tuesday: Shopping With Akatsuki Pt1

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

_**Tuesday: Shopping With Akatsuki Pt.1 (Their Wall-Mart Stories)**_

(At the Akatsuki hideout *not going into details* All the Akatsuki are sitting in the kitchen waiting for Konan to finish getting ready so the can go to the Wall-Mart for their weekly shopping spree.)

_**Sasori**_: Did Wall-Mart take off the restraining order?

_**Leader**_: Yeah, I think so.

_**Deidara**_: Or we wouldn't be going back.

_**Hidan**_: GOD! HOW LONG DOSE IT (BEEP)ING TAKE FOR A WOMEN TAKE TO GET READY TO GO TO THE (BEEP)ING STORE!

_**Deidara**_: For (BEEP)ING EVER!

_**Leader**_: *Death Glare* *Cocks shotgun*

_**Akatsuki**_: *CRAP He's going to electrocute us in the bathtub with a toaster.*

_**Deidara**_: But seriously why do women take so long in the bathroom?

_**Hidan**_: Not even Jashin knows.

_**Kakuzu**_: Hidan, Jashin doesn't know shit.

_**Hidan**_: HEY (BEEP) YOU!

_**Kakuzu**_: Your God doesn't matter; Money is the only thing that matters.

_**Hidan**_: MY (BEEP)ING RELIGIOUN IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS AND PAWNS YOU'RE BELIEFS!

_**Kakuzu**_: I don't believe in your beliefs.

_**Hidan**_: THEN I WILL MAKE YOU BELIVE! (Jumps up with a kitchen ready to stab Kakuzu.)

_**Leader**_: *Pulls up his shot gun and aims it at the ceiling and fires* BANG_! _*Cocks shotgun and aims it at Hidan and Kakuzu*

Listen well you two morons! If you two ever raise your voices beyond a certain point you will meet my shotgun. Got it?

_**Hidan/Kakuzu**_: Ye..Yea..Yeah...Yes.

(Konan walks up in her Akatsuki out fit with Lucifer in his own Akatsuki outfit all ready to go.)

_**Deidara**_: OMG FINALLY! What took you so long!

_**Konan**_: Well first I wanted to get my hair the way I want it.

_**Hidan**_: You have only one hair style, so what kept you!

_**Konan**_: I had to put my make up on. I messed it up like four times.

_**Deidara**_: UGGGH!

_**Konan**_: Then I had to pick out my outfit.

_**Tobi**_: How many outfits dose Konan have?

_**Konan**_: Ten.

_**Kakuzu**_: If you have ten of the same outfit why would it take you that long?

_**Konan**_: I have a favorite.

_**Hidan**_: THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!

_**Konan**_: One matches my favorite boots.

_**Sasori**_: I don't want to deal with this let's just go!

_**Akatsuki**_: Agreed.

_**Konan**_: Sorry Pein you have to leave the shotgun. But at least you can buy more ammo and new guns at Wall-Mart.

(They all arrive at the front of the Wall-Mart and when they do the workers start call the police and tell them to stand by cause the Akatsuki have arrived. They have posters of all the Akatsuki saying SHOOT ON SITE. *but only if they cause trouble* they enter and go their separate ways. *Konan takes Lucifer because she just trust Itachi ALONE with an infant*)

**These are their stories.**

**ITACHI'S SHOPPING ADVENTURE**

Itachi: Let's see, what did Konan write on this list? *God couldn't she write this stuff in a bigger text?*

(As Itachi is walking trying to find the baby aisle when he trips on a squeaky dog toy)

Itachi: WTF was that? Oww that hurt. *trip*

(Lands on the dog toy shelf and tips it over which knocks over the next shelf and so on and so on and takes down an entire row of shelves)

Itachi: Oh crap *walks away calmly and no one is the wiser*

(Itachi takes a cart and walks into an aisle and looks at the items and then walks up to an item picks it up and turns to a helper and...)

Itachi: Hey, is this the best quality?

Random Wall-Mart Helper: I guess do Sir.

Itachi: What's the weight limit?

Random Wall-Mart Helper: 200 pounds.

Itachi: WOW! Seriously?

Random Wall-Mart Helper: Yup.

Itachi: My kid is only like 6 to 10 pounds. These diapers are awesome.

Random Wall-Mart Helper: Umm..Sir? Are you alright?

Itachi: I'm fine why do you ask?

Random Wall-Mart Helper: Cause...that's...a...fishing...pole.

(Itachi begins swinging the fishing pole rabidly that already has a large hook on it.)

Itachi: What do you mean this is a fishing pole!

Random Wall-Mart Helper: Sir? Sir please calm down.

Itachi: Don't tell me to calm down, cause I am calm.

(After that last line Itachi releases the hook and it flies across the store.) *Hook*

Random Female Shopper: AHHHH! MY BACK!

Itachi: What the. It's stuck. *YANK, YANK, RIP!*

Random Female Shopper: AHHH MY BRA! HELP HELP PERVERT!

Itachi: Huh? What is this?

(Pulls the women's bra off his head and is still attached to the fishing pole.)

Random Female Shopper: HELP! THEIF! PERVERT!

Police: Hey it's that guy, Get him!

Itachi: Hey wait, what did I do?

(Two cops grab Itachi under each arm and drags him off the property and into a waiting police car. And on their way out they pass Hidan.)

Hidan's Shopping Story

(Hidan is walking around looking for the kitchen appliance section)

Hidan: Why do I have to buy the kitchen appliances, Next time Kakuzu is doing this *mumbles and complaining*

(He looks around and walks into the very sharp kitchen appliance section.) (He looks around and finds Kakuzu standing there looking at the prices.)

Hidan: WTF are you doing?

Kakuzu: They all say that Wall-Mart has the lowest prices, and I'm going to find out if that is true. (Walks off to look at the toasters)

(Hidan looks around, bored out of his mind. He looks and sees a...bread slicer. And curiosity takes over. So he takes the bread slicer out of the box. He raises the blade, lays his hand on the bored...*SLICE* cuts at the wrist)

Hidan: AHH! (BEEP) AHH! THAT (BEEP)ING HURT SO GOOD!

(Kakuzu looks at Hidan.)

Kakuzu: *Sigh*

Hidan: Hey Kakuzu, Little help?

Kakuzu: Ugggh. Fine. Last time though.

(Kakuzu re-attaches Hidan's hand at the wrist)

Kakuzu: Now, if you will excuse me I have to do some more calculating.

Hidan: Humph. Good riddance.

(Hidan goes back to trying find a very sharp object to perform his religious practices in the Wall-Mart.)

Hidan: What's this?...A Pickle Slicer? Well it has slicer in its name so let's try it out. Wouldn't want to buy a...defected item. *smiles* so what can I stick in a pickle slicer? *looks down* Ahh Hell lets give it a shot. I still have one left.

(Hidan opens the pickle slicer and sets it down. And looks at it.)

Hidan: Wow it looks just like a miniature guillotine. Let's see...instructions...lift blade up, check. Stick pickle inside the hole, check. Now release the blade and in moments your pickle will be sliced...hmm... *smiles*

(Hidan lifts the blade up and sticks his "Pickle" in the slicer all the way to the end. And then "SLICE!")

Hidan: AHH! THAT HURTS SO (BEEP)ING GOOD! AHHH! THAT WAS MY LAST THUMB!

KAKUZU SEW MY THUMB BACK ON!

Kakuzu: Do it your self...Dumbass...I'm not doing anything for free anymore!

Hidan: STOP SCREAMING!

Kakuzu: Hidan

Hidan: NOW SEW MY FINGER ON!

Kakuzu: HIDAN!

Hidan: WHAT!

Kakuzu: I'm right here.

Hidan: (Holds up his thumb.) Fix.

Kakuzu: Fine.

(Kakuzu fixes Hidan's finger problem and leaves Hidan to his masochistic ways.)

Hidan: This pain is sooo good...I MUST SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD!...THE WORLD OF JASHIN!

(So Hidan grabbed and ripped open several SHARP knives and runs outside, Stands next to the entrance and pulls out a bunch of pamphlets with the words JASHIN is GOD! on the front. As people are walking by he tries to spread the "Good word" of Jashin.)

(A woman walks up and asks.)

Random Female Customer: What's the good word?

Hidan: The news of Jashin, You heathen son of a bitch. (Pulls out a knife and attacks the women) Allow me to show you what Jashin can do for you! (Women runs away screaming for help while Hidan chases her with the knife.)

Cop1: Hey is that, that Hidan fellow?

Cop2: Uggghhh...Not again. (On the radio: We need back up...yeah...yeah It's Hidan at the Wall-Mart again...yeah...yeah...they let them back in...were gonna need back up.)

(They chase down Hidan and grab him but they grab his cloak and it rips off. * _ *.)

Hidan: HEY! WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM! (Still running but...) Hey, you wanna fight! I'LL GIVE YOU A FIGHT YOU (BEEP)ING (BEEP).

(The cops tackle Hidan, but he strips off his pants to get away.)

Hidan: Try and catch me, piggies! (Runs off naked through wall-mart)

(While running through the Wall-Mart naked...he runs by Konan, Kisame, Zetsu, Leader (Pein), Tobi, Sasori, Deidara, and Kakuzu. And finally get tackled Hidan.)

Hidan: HEY! LET ME GO YOU (BEEP)ING PIGS!

Cop1: You're under arrest for Assault with a deadly weapon; Resisting Arrest, Public Nudity, and assaulting A police officer.

Hidan: (BEEP) YOU! YOU (BEEP)ING (BEEP) (BEEP)!

(The cops put Hidan's cloak on him and place him in handcuffs and put him in the police car next to Itachi.)

Itachi: (looks at Hidan and scoots away from Hidan) Ewww... couldn't they put you in a different car?

Hidan: Quit your bitching.

Itachi: (Taps on window in handcuffs) Hello? Could you put commando here in a different car?

Hidan: HEY!

Itachi: Shut up...

Hidan: Why are you here?

Itachi: My thoughts exactly.

Cop1: Hey you two knock it off in there!

Itachi/Hidan: Humph!

Itachi: *I wonder how Sasuke's doing?*

Orochimaru's Hideout

Orochimaru: (In a fan girl voice) SASUKE! S..A...S...U...K...E! (Orochimaru is banging on Sasuke's door.)

Sasuke: Dammit go away this is ME TIME! NOW GO AWAY! (Sasuke locked himself in his room to keep Orochimaru from raping him. Since Orochimaru kept yelling...)

Orochimaru: SASUKE! I WANT YOUR BODY! YOUR SWEET YOUNG BODY! SASUKE!

Konan's Shopping Story

Konan: Hmm... What do you think Lucifer? Cute isn't it? And it's in blue my favorite color. ^. ^ I'm going to try it on. And this one, and this one, and this one, ooh and this one, thins one, and this one.

(Starts picking up random clothes she likes and runs into the dressing room. Leaving Lucifer...alone.)

(After 30 minutes of trying on and choosing she comes out and puts back more than half of the stuff back and grabs more and repeats.)

(Konan walks over to a clothing rack and sees a nice blue designer shirt.)

Konan: Ooooh. This is a designer label, and it's on sale, and it's the last on...and and it's stuck on something.

(Konan pulls really hard on the shirt and as she pulls, Tayuya is holding the other side of the shirt.)

Tayuya: Let go!

Konan: No! IT'S MINE!

Tayuya: MINE!

Konan: BACK OFF IT'S MINE!

Tayuya: Bitch! It's MINE!

Konan: What's your problem?

Tayuya: Lord Orochimaru wants this shirt...So I'm going to give it to him...So hand it over you Akatsuki Whore!

Konan: Who's a Whore? You're the only women in Orochimaru's hideout and your 15 years old. You Teenage Whore!

Tayuya: YOU BITCH! (Attacks Konan)

(Konan dodges while still holding the shirt)

Konan: If Orochimaru want s this shirt then I must have it...at all costs.

Tayuya: You wish, Now you going to have stitches were your piercings are you trashy bitch!

(Just then Konan snapped and jumped Tayuya and it turn into a full out brawl. Meanwhile :)

Hunting Section

(Leader (Pein) is shopping for new guns.)

Leader: (Picks up a Remington 870 12 ga. Shotgun) so how much damage can I get with this?

Clerk: A lot Sir.

Leader: I'll take it...were can I get the ammo?

Clerk: Here you go sir. A box of Remington 870 12 ga. shotgun ammo. 24 in each box.

Leader: I'll take 50 boxes.

Clerk: O_O okay sir.

Teenage Boy 1: Hey dude there's a chick fight going on at the clothing department.

Teenage Boy 2: Sweet we have to go check this out.

Teenage Boy 1: I hear one of them has blue hair and a lip piercing, and and a baby.

(After Leader hears that he picks up the shotgun and takes two shotgun shells and loads the gun.)

Clerk: Umm...Sir? You can't load that in the store now hand over the gun.

(Leader points the loaded gun at the clerk)

Leader: Make me.

(Leader heads off towards the clothing department.)

Clothing Department

Tayuya: Hand it over bitch!

Konan: It's MINE!

(For awhile Tayuya and Konan pulled each other around, rammed each other into shelves, clothing racks, all over the place, and neither of them were willing to let go...At that time leader walked up with his shotgun and the police were coming in the other way.)

Konan: LET GO! IT'S MINE!

Tayuya: IT'S MINE!

Konan: I WILL NEVER ALLOW OROCHIMARU TO HAVE THIS SHIRT!

Tayuya: LET GO YOU WHORE!

Konan: SLUT!

Tayuya: BITCH!

Konan: TRAMP!

(And they get more violent, two cops come and hold them back, but neither are willing to release the shirt.)

Leader: *Cocks shotgun* *aims at ceiling* _BANG!_

The Shirt they were fighting over: RRIP!

(After that like 20 cops came and took Leader's shotgun and arrested him, Konan and Tayuya.)

Cop1: *To Leader* you are under arrest for possession of a fire arm, stealing, firing the stolen fire arm.

Cop2: *To Konan* you are under arrest for assault.

Cop3: *To Tayuya* you are under arrest for assault, Resisting arrest, and attacking an officer...and disorderly conduct.

(Leader went along peacefully...sorta...he was sorta threatening them, Tayuya had to be carried off while she was kicking, screaming and swearing at the cops and Konan,...Konan was angry, her hair was messed up and if the cops let their guard down for an instant they would go after each other like pissed off drunk women on the show "COPS". Tayuya was placed inside of one squad car next to Itachi who was now sitting in the middle between Hidan and Tayuya. Leader and Konan were placed inside another squad car and Leader is chewing out Konan for causing a scene in the clothing department. Lucifer was taken in child care.)

Kisame's Shopping Story

(Kisame and Itachi are walking around, talking.)

Kisame: Heh so how long do you think it will be before they never let us back in here?

Itachi: Who knows?

Kisame: If we do get permanently kicked out, there's always K-Mart.

Itachi: Yup, but I bet they wont let Kakuzu in...Or Deidara for that matter.

Kisame: Don't forget Hidan. Or Zetsu in his constant quest to search for his one true love.

Itachi/Kisame: *Stop* *Shutter*

Itachi: What about you I thought you were also searching for "Your one true love"

Kisame: I am *sniffle* I just haven't found the right one yet.

Itachi: Hey Kisame...we are near the *I know I'm know I'm going to regret this* aquarium.

Kisame: (Pushes Itachi and takes off running towards the aquarium.)

(Itachi after being pushed by Kisame trips on a squeaky dog toy.)

Itachi: WTF was that? Oww that hurt. *trip*

(Lands on the dog toy shelf and tips it over which knocks over the next shelf and so on and so on and takes down an entire row of shelves)

Itachi: Oh crap *walks away calmly and no one is the wiser*

Aquarium Section

(Kisame knocks over countless people to force his way towards the aquarium. He arrives and sees tank upon tank every were with fishes galore.)

Kisame: *Sniffle* I...I...CAN'T BELIVE WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO THESE POOR GILRS! (Kisame completely goes on a rampage like a crazed fan girl.) MAKEING THEM SWIM FOR THESE...FILTHY...HUMANS!

Wall-Mart Helper: Umm Sir? Do you need any help?

Kisame: Huh? Oh yeah, I'm looking for the perfect girl, can you help me?

Wall-Mart Helper: Huh? Umm...okay? Come this way please. We have a fine selection of fish.

Kisame: (Stops at a particular tank...looks in and sees a Koi fish.) Who is that?

Wall-Mart Helper: Oh that, that's a miniature female Koi fish.

(Kisame walks up to the Wall-Mart helper and slaps him.)

Wall-Mart helper: OWWW! What did you do that for!

Kisame: SHE'S NOT JUST A FISH! SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WHOLE (BEEP)ING WORLD! SO WHAT IF SHE'S SMALL IT DOSENT BOTHER ME! AND IF YOU BAD MOUTH HER AGIAN I'LL (BEEP)ING KILL YOU!

(After Kisame calms down he thinks)

Kisame: *OMG I'm as crazy as Hidan...Wow she sure is smoking HOT!* I'll take her how much!

Wall-Mart Helper: Well let me take her out of the tank and into a nice plastic bag.

(He dose just that hands her to Kisame and he starts talking to the fish.)

Kisame: Wow you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my whole life...I'm going to take good care of you, I'll treat you like a queen, I'll be at your beckon call. My precious...Hey dude what's this chicks name?

Wall-Mart helper: Umm...You can...name her...if you want...

Kisame: SWEEEEEETTTTT! I'm going to name you Sophie.

(Kisame runs off with Sophie...without paying.)

Wall-Mart helper: HEY STOP! THEIF!

(The cops hearing that quickly run and tackle Kisame after he hid the fish and the carried him off to the squad car were they placed him in the same car next to Leader, who was next to Konan.)

Kisame: Don't worry Sophie I'll always be here for you...My love.

Leader/Konan: EWW. *Shutter*

Leader: So that's why you got arrested...because of a STUPID FISH!

Kisame: She's not stupid...AND I LOVE HER! We are meant to be together forever...

Konan: Usually I'd think that would be cute and romantic...but coming from you..That's just SICK AND WRONG! That's like Hidan finding true love...Wrong in every way possible.

Kisame: Don't listen to them Sophie there just jealous of our love.

Leader: Kisame that's a fish with the IQ of 3 seconds.

Kisame: Humph.

Leader/Konan: *Sigh*

**To Be Continued...**

**Still to Come...**

**Zetsu's, Leader's (Pein's), Tobi's, Sasori's, Kakuzu's, and Deidara's Shopping Adventure...^.^ Thanks for Reading**

**(I do not own anything in this story.)**


	3. Tuesday: Shopping With Akatsuki Pt2

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

_**Tuesday: Shopping With Akatsuki Pt.2 (Who Will Be Arrested Next?)**_

(Previously on The Akatsuki's Daily Life...Itachi gets arrested for sexual assault with a fishing pole, Hidan gets arrested for assault with a deadly weapon, resisting arrest, public nudity, and assaulting a police officer, Then Konan is arrested for assault...along with Tayuya *Orochimaru's follower* who was arrested for assault, resisting arrest, and attacking an officer...and disorderly conduct, Leader is arrested for possession of a fire arm, stealing, firing the stolen fire arm, and Kisame was arrested for stealing a $6,000 miniature Koi fish...And now the rest of their stories.)

**Zetsu's Shopping Story**

(Zetsu made a B-line for the gardening section. In high hopes of finding something MORE for his already freaky plant infested room. He wonders around in the outside garden section. He searches through plants and there he finds something sitting in the sun at the end of the garden section. A tall slender ficus tree that stands about 4ft. tall. But to Zetsu "she" was the most beautiful "women" he has ever seen. As he walks towards "her" six men were spraying the plants with pesticide, but that didn't stop him...and he even inhaled his own body weight in pesticide to get to "her". Zetsu walked up to the ficus tree and started a conversation.)

_**Zetsu**_: Hi.

_**Ficus Tree**_: *Leaves blow in the wind*...*Silence*

_**Zetsu**_: How long have you been here...gorgeous?

_**Ficus Tree**_: *Silence*

_**Zetsu**_: Ohh your name's Veronica? My name is Zetsu...So...

_**Veronica**_: *Silence*

_**Zetsu**_: Uhh...*blushing* you think I'm cute...Sorry *Turns away* I'm no good at talking to beautiful women, I, I...I tend to get nervous.

_**Veronica**_: *Silence*

_**Zetsu**_: YOU DO! And I really like you too Veronica.

(At this point in the distant background the song "So Happy Together" by the Turtles starts playing and we go into a so happy together montage.)

_**Zetsu**_: "Imagine me and you" *Staring at Veronica*

_**Veronica**_: "I do" *Sitting there being a tree*

_**Zetsu**_: "I think about you day and night, it's only right, to think about the girl you love, and hold her tight. So Happy Together."

_**Zetsu**_: *Holding a phone to his ear...and Veronica having a phone duck taped to the tree trunk* "If I should call you up, Invest a dime, And you say you belong to me, and ease my mind, Imagine how the world could be, So very fine, So Happy Together..."

(At the gardening center cash register. One of the gardeners walks up.)

_**Gardener**_: Hey, I think there's this black and white colored guy trying molest one of your ficus trees.

_**Casher**_: Huh? oO.

_**Gardener**_: Yeah this crazy guy just came in and inhaled his own body weight in pesticide.

_**Casher**_: Are you serious?

_**Gardener**_: Yeah totally, come look.

(Those two ran up to the back were Zetsu was and saw...Zetsu sitting next to the ficus tree with his hand around the trunk)

_**Zetsu**_: "I can't see me loving nobody but you FOR ALL MY LIFE! When you're with me, baby the skies will be blue...FOR ALL MY LIFE!

_**Casher/Gardener**_: oO WTF!

(After that Zetsu passed out for a few moments and knocked over the ficus tree, while the gardener and Casher aired out the room.)

_**Zetsu**_: Uggh...what happened? *Looks over and sees the ficus tree on the ground next to him.* Oh god, don't tell me we did it?

_**Casher/Gardener**_: Did what!

_**Zetsu**_: uuuhh...never mind.

(Zetsu picks the ficus tree and walks to the counter and sets the tree on the counter and the casher stands at his post ready to sell the tree.)

_**Zetsu**_: Say how much is she per hour?

_**Casher**_: What? She?

_**Zetsu**_: Yes, she, Veronica, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

_**Casher**_: Are you okay?

_**Zetsu**_: I'm fine, why?

_**Casher**_: Because you inhaled a lot of insecticide back there, maybe you want to sit down and rest a while so your head can clear out.

_**Zetsu**_: I...WANT...TO...PAY...FOR...HER...SERVICES.

_**Casher**_: Services?

_**Zetsu**_: Yes. How much per hour?

_**Casher**_: She's, I mean the tree is not for rent.

_**Zetsu**_: Huh?

_**Casher**_: You pay to keep this tree...forever.

_**Zetsu**_: you mean I can keep her? This beautiful woman by my side forever?

_**Casher**_: Uhh...Sure...why not.

_**Zetsu**_:..HOT DAMN JACKPOT!

_**Casher**_: oO Okay...that will be $300 plus an extra $10 for tax.

_**Zetsu**_: Worth every penny.

(Zetsu pays for the tree with a credit card and walks out of the gardening section holding the tree with both hands talking about what their life if going to be like from now on...but at customer service Kakuzu was complaining about the prices when at the exact moment Zetsu paid for the $310 tree, he felt a pain in one of his three hearts and then grabbed it while yelling.)

_**Kakuzu**_: Stupid Akatsuki buying expensive object senses tingling. (And then he falls to the ground.)

(Outside Zetsu walks out with his new tree/girlfriend when Kisame sees him.)

_**Kisame**_: PSSST Zetsu come here.

(Zetsu notices the cops are not paying any attention to the Akatsuki who are sitting in the squad cars, so he walks over.

_**Kisame**_: Hey Zetsu did you get arrested?

_**Zetsu**_: No.

_**Kisame**_: Good Here, take her and put her in my fish tank back at the base.

_**Zetsu**_: Why?

_**Kisame**_: Please just do it, they are going to take her away from me, Please Zetsu I'm begging you.

_**Zetsu**_: Fine.

(Zetsu takes the plastic bag out of Kisame's hands and puts it in his pocket and walks away. Now Zetsu makes his way back to the Akatsuki hideout with Kisame's fish Sophie that is in a plastic bag in one of his pockets and is carrying his new tree/girlfriend Veronica with both hands...THE END...of Zetsu's Story.)

**Leader's (Pein's) Shopping Story**

(Leader wastes no time in heading straight for the hunting/weapon section in hopes of finding enough items to make sure every Akatsuki *if needed* disappears and no one will be the wiser. Leader is walking towards the hunting/weapon section when he sees very sharp and very deadly arrow tips, I mean sharp point arrow tips on sale 50% off, So leader walks up to grab them all, when the whole row of shelves falls down. Leader sees Itachi walking away from the scene. Angry Leader heads to his final destination.)

**Hunting Center**

_**Leader**_: Hmm...Lets see...Lawn Darts, lawn darts, lawn darts. Damn, they don't have any. (Walks up to the casher) Hey do you have any of those large, colorful, lethal, lawn darts?

_**Clerk**_: Those are illegal in all countries.

_**Leader**_: (BEEP)...Fine, Then I'll buy a .300 Winchester rifle, a .358 Winchester rifle, an A.K. 47, a Winchester M 94, a Remington 870 12 ga. Shotgun, and finally a Marlin 336.

_**Clerk**_: O_O umm...sir. There's a three day wait.

_**Leader**_: (BEEP) (BEEP) you (BEEP) what kind (BEEP)ING law is that, you (BEEP)! Oh yeah last week I ordered the Remington 870 12 ga. Shotgun.

_**Clerk**_: Oh yes here you are. Sir.

_**Leader**_: I want to order the .300 Winchester rifle, the .358 Winchester rifle, the A.K. 47, the Winchester M 94, and the Marlin 336. (Leader fills out the paper work for the 5 hunting rifles.)

_**Clerk**_: Okay Sir. Please come back in three...

_**Leader**_: I want you to mail the guns to my house...My mailing address is on the paper.

_**Clerk**_: Okay here's your gun. (Hands Leader the gun.)

_**Leader**_: (Picks up a Remington 870 12 ga. Shotgun) so how much damage can I get with this?

_**Clerk**_: A lot Sir.

_**Leader**_: I'll take it...were can I get the ammo?

_**Clerk**_: Here you go sir. A box of Remington 870 12 ga. shotgun ammo. 24 in each box.

_**Leader**_: I'll take 50 boxes.

_**Clerk**_: O_O okay sir.

_**Teenage Boy 1**_: Hey dude there's a chick fight going on at the clothing department.

_**Teenage Boy 2**_: Sweet we have to go check this out.

_**Teenage Boy 1**_: I hear one of them has blue hair and a lip piercing, and a baby.

(After Leader hears that he picks up the shotgun and takes two shotgun shells and loads the gun.)

_**Clerk**_: Umm..Sir? You can't load that in the store now hand over the gun.

(Leader points the loaded gun at the clerk)

_**Leader**_: Make me.

(Leader heads off towards the clothing department.)

**Clothing Department**

_**Tayuya**_: Hand it over bitch!

_**Konan**_: It's MINE!

(For awhile Tayuya and Konan pulled each other around, rammed each other into shelves, clothing racks, all over the place, and neither of them were willing to let go...At that time leader walked up with his shotgun and the police were coming in the other way.)

_**Konan**_: LET GO! IT'S MINE!

_**Tayuya**_: IT'S MINE!

_**Konan**_: I WILL NEVER ALLOW OROCHIMARU TO HAVE THIS SHIRT!

_**Tayuya**_: LET GO YOU WHORE!

_**Konan**_: SLUT!

_**Tayuya**_: BITCH!

_**Konan**_: TRAMP!

(And they get more violent, two cops come and hold them back, but neither are willing to release the shirt.)

_**Leader**_: *Cocks shotgun* *aims at ceiling* _BANG!_

_**The Shirt they were fighting over**_: RRIP!

(After that like 20 cops came and took Leader's shotgun and arrested him, Konan and Tayuya.)

_**Cop1**_: *To Leader* you are under arrest for possession of a fire arm, stealing, firing the stolen fire arm.

(THE END...of Leader's Story)

**Tobi's Shopping Story**

(Tobi is skipping around in the wall mart and enters the Barbie toy aisle rips open a lot of boxes and starts playing pretend with them. Holding a teacher Barbie in his right hand, and holding a ken doll with his left hand and lied down on his stomach and played with them making them say the following.)

_**Barbie**_: So where were you last night?

_**Ken**_: Out.

_**Barbie**_: Out? OUT! OUT WITH WHO?

_**Ken**_: Friends

_**Barbie**_: Yeah right you cheating bastard! You were with Britney, the brunette Barbie! *Sob* I thought you loved me *sob*

_**Ken**_: I do love you.

_**Britney**_: You said YOU loved ME!

_**Barbie**_: You two seem perfect together, Goodbye you filthy (BEEP)ING mutt.

_**Britney**_: Goodbye Ken.

(Both walk away. Ken grabs one of Barbie's purses and knocks out Britney and Barbie. Tobi looks around and finds a bloody pickle slicer on the ground and twist ties. Tobi ties Barbie's and Britney's hands and feet. And takes all three of them towards the bloody pickle slicer. Tobi places Britney's head in the hole of the pickle slicer and voices out...)

_**Britney**_: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, *sob* Please no, I'm so sorry *sob* *cry*

_**Ken**_: You wanted to leave me *laugh* NOBODY LEAVES KEN! *laugh*

_**Britney**_: No please I'm sorr*SLICE*

_**Ken**_: *watches Britney's head roll* Who's cut now bitch!

(Ken walks over to Barbie and sets her up in the same way. Barbie wakes up and begins crying.)

_**Barbie**_: Oh god I'm sorry, Pleeeaaassseeee. *sob*

_**Ken**_: You should have never tried to leave me *cry* so if I can't have you...NO ONE WILL!

_**Barbie**_: No please n*SLICE*

_**Ken**_: *Pulls out a gun.* we'll be together in heaven! *_BANG_*

(After Ken's suicide is completed Tobi gets up and notices the shelf is falling.)

_**Tobi**_: NO,NO,NO,NO,NO,NO,NO,NO,NO,NO, NO,NO,NO,NO,NO! *CRASH!*

(Tobi crawls out from the wreckage of the shelves and walks away and sees a little kid, walks up because the kid looks lost and asks)

_**Tobi**_: What's going on kid? Are you okay?

_**Girl Kid**_: Yeah I'm finding stuff for my Christmas list.

(Tobi's Eyes (Eye) lights up. and screams in joy.)

_**Tobi**_: YAY! CHRISTMAS! Tobi's going to do Tobi's Christmas shopping YAY! (Runs off yelling Christmas.)

(Tobi runs into the Christmas section and sees his dreams come true.)

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is going to buy so many lights; SANTA has to visit us first. ^.^ now all I need is $50,000 worth of Christmas lights...$20,000 worth of decorations...$10,000 of Christmas candy. ^.^

(Tobi finds three empty shopping carts and fills them with $80,000 worth of Christmas lights, decorations and Christmas candy. People stop and look at him and wonder WTF is wrong with him.)

_**Tobi**_: Tobi got these on sale and Tobi is going to light up the house so bright that Santa could see it from space ^.^

(Tobi wanders into the electronics center and a hand in a special Wall-Mart order form. then a cart comes out with A HUGE box that says 2,000 hidden room speakers. Then Tobi walks into the decoration section again and picks up a fake Christmas tree. Carrying carts full of Christmas lights, Decorations, Candy, a fake Christmas tree, and A lot of spy speakers. Tobi walks up to a register and after quite a while of scanning the items the total comes to $100,000. And Tobi pays with Kakuzu's credit card. Meanwhile:)

(After Kakuzu empties several registers he collapse and yells)

_**Kakuzu**_: (In pain) Stupid Akatsuki spending my money senses tingling! AHHHHGGHH MY THREE OUT OF FOUR HEARTS! *collapse* *thud*

(Tobi walks out with all that stuff while Kakuzu is being carried away in an ambulance. As Tobi is about to walk away when he sees a creepy old guy in a dirty coat with tin foil rapped around his head, three teeth surrounded by turkeys yelling in a crazy way...his name is Frank.)

_**Frank**_: The end is near! We are all going to die! THE ALIENS ARE COMING! The aliens stole my kidney and they've cloned me and are returning with genetic super soldiers to take over and enslave the human race! My turkeys are the only way to save us, NOW BUY A TURKEY!

(Tobi walks up to frank.)

_**Tobi**_: Tobi will buy a turkey. How much?

_**Frank**_: what do you have in your left pocket?

(Tobi reaches into his left pocket. and pulls out.)

_**Tobi**_: Tobi has a piece of candy, a piece of string, a paper clip, and a penny.

_**Frank**_: I'll take it. Here you go. This one's name is George.

_**Tobi**_: I'll name you George the Second! Yay!

(Tobi puts George on a leash and with all his stuff and George on a leash Tobi leaves the Wall-Mart. ^.^ THE END...of Tobi's Shopping Story.)

**Sasori's Shopping Story**

(Sasori is taking care of the grocery shopping for the up coming thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. When two people walked up to him.)

_**Dude 1**_: Hey we say you on that Maury Show. HAHAHAH! You're so stupid. You are a puppet?

_**Sasori**_: Yes.

_**Dude 2**_: Hey dude look it's Pinocchio.

_**Dude 1 and 2**_: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

_**Dude 2**_: So you think you better than us?

_**Sasori**_: I know I'm better, smarter, and more in control of my emotions than you could ever hope to be.

_**Dude 1**_: why you little puppet bastard.

_**Sasori**_: *Using sarcasm* Oh ouch that really hurt...Oh man I don't think I'll ever recover from that.

(Those two guys keep taunting Sasori as the three walk into an aisle were there is a blind spot for the security camera and only Sasori walks out.)

(Sasori takes care of the shopping and leaves without any KNOWN incidents. Well Sasori is happy because he has some new puppets to add to his collection...The End of Sasori's Story.)

**Kakuzu's Shopping Story**

(Not wasting any time Kakuzu heads straight for Sasori so he can pick out the absolute cheapest of the items Sasori was going to perches.)

_**Kakuzu**_: No this one is cheaper.

_**Sasori**_: but this one tastes better.

_**Kakuzu**_: Cheaper!

_**Sasori**_: Tastier!

_**Kakuzu**_: Cheaper!

_**Sasori**_: Tastier!

_**Kakuzu**_: Cheaper!

_**Sasori**_: Tastier! Why don't you make sure Hidan buys the right appliances.

_**Kakuzu**_: OH CRAP I FORGOT ABOUT HIM! *Runs off to find Hidan* I can't trust him enough to find and get the right and cheapest items!

(Kakuzu arrives before Hidan so he would choose the items by their prices before Hidan had a chance to bitch about it.

_**Hidan**_: WTF are you doing?

_**Kakuzu**_: They all say that Wall-Mart has the lowest prices, and I'm going to find out if that is true. (Walks off to look at the toasters)

(Kakuzu sees Hidan take out a bread slicer and cut off his hand.)

_**Hidan**_: AHH! (BEEP) AHH! THAT (BEEP)ING HURT SO GOOD!

(Kakuzu turns to Hidan to see what Hidan did this time.)

_**Kakuzu**_: *Sigh*

_**Hidan**_: Hey Kakuzu, Little help?

_**Kakuzu**_: Ugggh. Fine, last time though.

(Kakuzu re-attaches Hidan's hand at the wrist)

_**Kakuzu**_: Now, if you will excuse me I have to do some more calculating.

_**Hidan**_: Humph. Good riddance.

(Kakuzu goes back to picking the appliances when he hears *SLICE!* He turns to see Hidan cut his thumb of with a pickle slicer.)

_**Hidan**_: AHH! THAT HURTS SO (BEEP)ING GOOD! AHHH! THAT WAS MY LAST THUMB!

KAKUZU SEW MY THUMB BACK ON!

_**Kakuzu**_: Do it your self...Dumbass...I'm not doing anything for free anymore!

_**Hidan**_: STOP SCREAMING!

_**Kakuzu**_: Hidan

_**Hidan**_: NOW SEW MY FINGER ON!

_**Kakuzu**_: HIDAN!

_**Hidan**_: WHAT!

_**Kakuzu**_: I'm right here.

_**Hidan**_: (Holds up his thumb.) Fix.

_**Kakuzu**_: Fine.

(Kakuzu fixes Hidan's finger problem and leaves Hidan to his masochistic ways.)

(Kakuzu walks off pissed off. Not at Hidan and his stupid obsession with cutting his limbs off, but at the so called LOW prices at Wall-Mart. and goes to customer service to complain.)

_**Kakuzu**_: I WANT TO COMPLAIN!

_**Customer Service Guy**_: Yes sir what are you unhappy about?

_**Kakuzu**_: Your chain of stores is ripping off people! You say you have low prices? BAH! You, your boss, and your store are filled with LIES! I rest my case!

_**Customer Service Guy**_: Sir. Are prices are set. We have no control on the prices okay sir. It's not my fault that you're unhappy about the prices...Sir? Sir are you okay?

_**Kakuzu**_: (Grabs his chest in pain) Stupid Akatsuki buying expensive object senses tingling. (And then he falls to the ground.)

_**Customer Service Guy**_: Sir! Sir are you okay?

_**Kakuzu**_: I think I just had a heart attack. I'm fine now I'm not going to a hospital and spend more of my money. *walks away* I'm going to get all that I disserve and that's all the money in the store.

(Kakuzu grabs one of the company box opening knives and walks over to register 1 and holds it up to the clerk's neck and threatens him.)

_**Kakuzu**_: OPEN UP THE (BEE)ING REGISTER! GIVE ME THE (BEEP)ING MONEY! GIVE ME THE (BEEP)ING MONEY! GIVE ME ALL THE (BEEP)ING MONEY!

(Kakuzu takes out all the money in that register stuffs his pockets and walks over to the next register when he grabs his chest again but in greater pain and yells.)

_**Kakuzu**_: (In pain) Stupid Akatsuki spending my money senses tingling! AHHHHGGHH MY THREE OUT OF FOUR HEARTS! *collapse* *thud*

(People find him and call an ambulance and carry him off in a hurry.)

**The Hospital**

_**Kakuzu**_: Damn thanks to those idiots spending my money I need three new hearts and one is about to give out.

(Kakuzu sees four doctors in his room and decides to make his move. He attacks each one stealing their hearts and replacing his. After doing that he walks out after he finds and steals more money but from the hospital, and casually walks back to the hideout.)

**Deidara's Shopping Story**

(Deidara is wandering around in the creativity section of Wall-Mart looking for more clay for his art. When he sees a whole clay aisle.)

_**Deidara**_: WOW a whole aisle filled with clay *shinny eyes* Oh yeah! Jackpot!

_**Clerk**_: Hey what are you doing?

(He caught Deidara trying to open the boxes of clay)

_**Deidara**_: What? I'm just getting more clay for my art.

_**Clerk**_: And what kind of art? What ever your art is it's just going to be the work of an amateur.

_**Deidara**_: *Glare* Armature, Amateur! ARE YOU CALLING ME! AN AMATEUR! YOU (BEEP)ING (BEEP) I'll show you true art AN EXPLOS...*CRASH* Huh?

(Deidara looks over and sees a whole row of shelves knocked over.)

_**Deidara**_: You're not worth it. Humph.

_**Clerk**_: Yeah that's right, walk away little girl.

_**Deidara**_: Little GIRL! I'm not a girl! YOU PHILISTINE! NOW WATCH MY TRUE ART! AN EXPLOSION!

(Deidara puts his hands together ready to set off his art when)

_**Clerk**_: POLICE! HELP!

(As soon as the police come and they come and tackle him.)

_**Deidara**_: Huh? *TACKLE*

_**Cop 1**_: You under arrest for attempted murder, attempted vandalism, Resisting arrest, and disorderly conduct.

(The cops place Deidara in a lone police car in handcuffs and he watches Tobi, Zetsu, and Sasori walk out without getting arrested. And watches Kakuzu being carried off by an ambulance, and he was yelling and screaming as all three cop car drive off into the night.)

**THE END OF TUESDAY**

**To Be Continued...**

The Next Chapter...The Akatsuki reminiscence about last years Thanksgiving and the reason why Tobi gets a new turkey and names him George the second...Coming soon...The Daily Life of the Akatsuki Chapter Four: Thursday Thanksgiving with Akatsuki.


	4. Thursday: Thanksgiving with Akatsuki

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

**Thursday: Thanksgiving with Akatsuki (One Year Back)**

**Inside the Akatsuki hideout**

**(Living Room)**

_**Deidara**_: AWWWMAN! I can't believe we spent two whole nights and one whole day in jail...Well everyone except, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Tobi.

_**Kakuzu**_: TOBI! ZETSU! WHY DID YOU BUY EXPENSIVE STUFF!

_**Zetsu**_: She's not a thing or stuff she is Veronica, and she is the most beautiful women in the whole world!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi bought stuff for Christmas.

_**Kakuzu**_: YOU SPENT $100,000 ON JUNK!

_**Tobi**_: Not junk Christmas lights, Decorations, Candy, and a large speaker system.

_**Kakuzu**_: You gonna give me more heart attacks!

_**Deidara**_: Wow Tobi's going to be the death of you. Heheheh!

_**Leader**_: All you idiots better be grateful I bribed the cop's judge and everyone else so we wouldn't go to jail.

_**Hidan**_: Bribe? You practically ripped off their heads and made them beg for their lives!

_**Deidara**_: Coming from the guy who went into jail and came out with a girlfriend! Who is 17, got into a fight with Konan at Wall-Mart, and who is one of Orochimaru's henchmen!

_**Hidan**_: HEY SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL (BEEP)ING WOMEN! YOU (BEEP) (BEEP)!

(While Deidara is arguing with Hidan, Tobi brings out on a dog leash a new turkey named George the Second. Deidara and Itachi are the first to notice the turkey.)

_**Itachi**_: *Sitting in his recliner chair reading the Rain Village News, when he hears a gobble stops and looks over and down* Oh great another nuisance.

_**Deidara**_: Huh? Hey Itachi what are you talking abou...*notices Tobi holding a leash with a turkey on It.* WTF IS THAT! I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF THAT TURKEY LAST YEAR ON THANKSGIVING...Is it a ghost turkey?

_**Itachi**_: A Poultrygeist?

_**Sasori**_: Listen to yourself. Tobi just bought another turkey on Tuesday from a crazy guy standing outside selling his turkeys.

_**Deidara**_: Well looks like we have another turkey for thanksgiving. Heheheh.

_**Sasori**_: Well it's not going to be the one that's chewing on its leash.

(All the Akatsuki watch as the turkey is chewing on its leash.)

_**Kisame**_: Heh, It looks like its trying to get away. Heheheh. Tobi what did you do to that turkey.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi was teaching George how to play video games and taught him how to eat meat and turkey sandwiches. ^.^

_**Deidara**_: That gobbley son of a bitch beat me at HALO!

_**Akatsuki**_: *looks down at the turkey to see that it looks a little crazy while chewing on its leash* we are sooo not eating that. EVER!

_**Hidan**_: *Walks up to the turkey* Hey little fat rat with feathers *holds out a piece of turkey* here you go EAT!

_**Itachi**_: *Holding and reading the news paper* Careful not to get so close and get yourself bit, or else that turkey just might develop a taste for human flesh.

_**Konan**_: Speaking of human flesh aren't you supposed to be taking care of your kid.

_**Itachi**_: Speaking of which where is it?

_**Konan**_: *Holds up Lucifer* Here

_**Deidara**_: When did you get him back?

_**Kakuzu**_: And were did you go?

_**Sasori**_: And why are your clothes covered in blood?

_**Konan**_: Do I really need to say anything?

_**Itachi**_: *Holds news paper up to his face* Nope.

_**Hidan**_: Heheheh *Sill waving the piece of turkey in front of George the turkey* Stupid turkey dinner.

_**George**_: Gobble gobble?

_**Itachi**_: Like I said, careful not to get so close and get yourself bit, or else that turkey just might develop a taste for human flesh.

_**Hidan**_: Whatever.

(Hidan keeps tempting George with the turkey then...)

_**George**_: Gobble *BITE* (George bites Hidan's hand hard enough draw blood)

_**Akatsuki**_: OO CRAP!

_**Hidan**_: TOBI! YOU BETTER KEEP THIS THING AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I DROP-KICK THIS LITTLE (BEEP) LIKE A FOOTBALL!

_**Deidara**_: I think a better punishment would be to roast this thing on a open flame *Evil look*

_**Sasori**_: I already bought a turkey for today. And eating that certain one, we might get mad turkey disease or something.

_**Hidan**_: AND I THOUGHT WE COOKED AND ATE THAT LITTLE (BEEP) LAST YEAR!

_**Sasori**_: We did, this is another stupid turkey that Tobi bought.

_**Hidan**_: AHH (BEEP) JUST (BEEP) (BEEP) (BEEP) TOBI YOU STUPID (BEEEEEEEEEEP)

_**Kakuzu**_: Hey Sasori this happened once before.

_**Leader**_: Heh There is so much going on through out the year that I'm lucky to remember to remind dock your pay for everything you break and or do that pisses me off.

_**Kisame**_: YOU WHAT!

_**Konan**_: Oh yeah. Hey leader wasn't that a secret between me, you and Kakuzu?

_**Leader**_: Not anymore I guess.

_**Deidara**_: Hey Sasori? What DID happen last year? Because of the concussion I got I just can't seem to remember.

_**Leader**_: Yeah Sasori you seem to be the only one able to remember what happened last year.

_**Sasori**_: Because I was the only one sober or conscious when the ambulance was called. Cause I was the one who called it!

Konan, Zetsu, Hidan, Kisame, Leader, Kakuzu, and Itachi were passed out due to Kakuzu buying cheap beer. Deidara, and Tobi were unconscious and in the hospital due to Tobi trying to save an already dead/cooked turkey.

_**Akatsuki**_: Ohh yeah!

_**Kakuzu**_: *twitch* the hospital bill *twitch* who charges *twitch* that much? *twitch*

_**Hidan**_: SHUT UP AND LETS HEAR SASORI TELL THE STORY ABOUT LAST YEAR!

_**Kakuzu**_: SHUT UP HIDAN!

_**Leader**_: *Evil Glare*

**ONE YEAR AGO**

(Sasori is setting the table for the thanksgiving while everyone is making their own special dish for the upcoming dinner.)

_**Konan**_: Hey Deidara what are you making?

_**Deidara**_: An exploding cake.

_**Sasori**_: *Walks up to Deidara and hits him upside the head* Stupid. Are trying to kill everyone?

_**Deidara**_: We're not gonna eat it. I'm just going to make it explode on everyone.

_**Sasori**_: Make something else.

_**Deidara**_: Fine, I'll make an ordinary "non-exploding" strawberry cake with chocolate frosting, how's that?

_**Sasori**_: Better.

_**Deidara**_: Konan what are you making?

_**Konan**_: My extra special homemade cranberry sauce.

_**Kisame**_: Oh man that's delicious. And you only make that once a year.

_**Sasori**_: Kisame what are you making?

_**Kisame**_: Homemade Banana Pudding Pie.

_**Sasori**_: Hidan?

_**Hidan**_: (BEEP)YOU THAT'S WHAT I'M MAKING!

_**Kakuzu**_: HIDAN!

_**Hidan**_: WHAT!

_**Kakuzu**_: Just make the Coleslaw

_**Zetsu**_: I'm making a multi meat and no veggie. Salad.

_**Sasori**_: Tobi?

_**Deidara**_: Tobi is not making anything EVER!

_**Sasori**_: Speaking of Tobi where is he?

_**Deidara**_: Playing video games against George er I mean the turkey dinner.

(Deidara and Sasori open the door to the living room and see Tobi and George the turkey playing HALO on an Xbox. Tobi was on the left George was on the right chewing on the controller...and winning.)

_**Tobi**_: Aww man George you beat me again.

_**Sasori**_: That is just sad. Deidara take the turkey to the shed I'll be waiting to make sure we have a turkey. Got it?

_**Deidara**_: On one condition. I get to swing the axe.

_**Itachi**_: Why are you two whispering?

_**Deidara/Sasori**_: Uhhh I don't know.

_**Itachi**_: Whatever *Continues reading the news paper*

_**Sasori**_: Fine. Just get the turkey in there.

_**Deidara**_: My pleasure.

_**Deidara/Sasori**_: *Evil laughter*

_**Itachi**_: *Sigh*

_**Tobi**_: Huh? Deidara and Sasori senpai seem really happy. Right George?

_**George**_: Gobble

_**Tobi**_: That's right George, Today is gonna be a good day. I can tell.

_**Kakuzu**_: I'm going to go buy some beer.

_**Hidan**_: Good, Just don't get the cheap (BEEPING) beer.

_**Kakuzu**_: Not making any promises.

_**Hidan**_: (BEEP)

_**Leader**_: What is it now Hidan?

_**Hidan**_: Kakuzu is going to buy the cheap beer.

_**Leader**_: Hey beer is beer no matter what; I'm just going to be happy to have some beer.

_**Konan**_: KAKUZU! BRING SAKE!

_**Kakuzu**_: No problem.

(As Kakuzu leaves, Deidara and Sasori are plotting their big nice turkey dinner.) (Kakuzu is gone)

**(In the Kitchen)**

_**Sasori**_: Deidara "Go get the "Turkey" ready"

_**Deidara**_: Heheheh With pleasure. AHAHAHA!

_**Tobi**_: Deidara senpai seems very happy.

_**Deidara**_: uhhh...yeah, Hey Tobi why don't you go down to the basement and do something loud and time consuming for the next *looks over at Sasori, Sasori gives a motion* hour. Okay?

_**Tobi**_: Okay come one George.

_**Deidara**_: No, no, no, no, no, Tobi, I just want to talk to George in privet in the creepy shed out back.

_**Tobi**_...Okay ^.^

_**Deidara**_: *Evil smile* Heheheh, thanks Tobi. Heheheh.

(Tobi goes down to the basement and dose exactly what Deidara told him. Sasori is waiting in the shed while Deidara stuffs George to a large sack and carries him into the shed. Itachi is still sitting in his chair reading the paper, the rest of the Akatsuki are in the kitchen, Leader is sitting with his loaded shotgun making sure the rest of the Akatsuki do what they are supposed to do, which is what Leader tells them to do.)

_**(In the Kitchen)**_

_**Akatsuki except Konan**_: (Mumbling about why they are here.)

_**Leader**_: What was that? *cocks shotgun*

_**Akatsuki**_: Nothing.

_**Kisame**_: So Leader what are you making?

_**Leader**_: A big pie made up of AKATSUKI IF I HEAR MORE OF YOUR CONSTANT BITCHING!

_**Kisame**_: Yeah Hidan!

_**Hidan**_: WTF DID I DO?

_**Kisame**_: Nothing...Yet

_**Hidan**_: What's that supposed to mean!

_**Kisame**_: Exactly.

_**Hidan**_: (BEEP)YOU! YOU (BEEP)ING FISH!

_**Kisame**_: You shut up!

_**Hidan**_: YOU!

_**Leader**_: *cocks shotgun* BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE (BEEP) UP!

_**(In the Shed)**_

(Deidara comes in with George in the sack and Sasori has been sharpening his axe When Deidara comes in he hands Sasori the turkey and Sasori hands Deidara the axe.)

_**Sasori/Deidara**_: Heheheh. This is going to be a good thanksgiving.

_**Deidara**_: Hey tie down the turkey and keep it still while I give it one big swing *evil laugh*

_**Sasori**_: Don't tell me what to do, I know!

_**Deidara**_: And we will finally be rid of this stupid bird!

_**Sasori**_: Yup finally.

**(Kitchen)**

_**Kisame**_: Like I was saying.

*Gobble, Thud.*

_**Kisame**_: Huh? What was that?

_**Hidan**_: What was what?

_**Kisame**_: I heard a gobble then a thud like and axe hitting some woo-Oh, Looks like Sasori and Deidara got our Thanksgiving Turkey.

_**Hidan**_: Heheheh Good riddance.

_**Konan**_: I kinda liked that turkey.

_**Zetsu**_: Mmmm...Turkey Ala George.

(After a while Sasori and Deidara come in with a freshly plucked, gutted, killed turkey and place it in the oven.)

_**Deidara**_: The deed is done.

_**Kisame**_: What do think Tobi is gonna say when he finds out.

_**Sasori**_: He's probably too stupid to know, but if he dose find out he will cry and eat the turkey he so called loved at the same time.

_**Deidara**_: *large laughter* I bet so *laugh*

(After some time Kakuzu comes back Konan grabs the sake and downs five bottles and keeps the rest near her, and everyone comes and sits down ready to have their thanksgiving dinner. Sasori places the food on the table, and everyone sits were they always sit.)

_**Konan**_: So everyone lets all say what we are thankful for.

_**Leader**_: I'm thankful I have this shotgun. *cocks shotgun* (Akatsuki sit nice and quiet.)Ahhhhhh sweet silence.

_**Konan**_: *Completely smashed* I'm thankful that me and Deidara the only female in a HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, all guy organization. Heheheh.

_**Deidara**_: Oh great Konan's drunk again.

_**Konan**_: And Sasori you are on fire.

_**Sasori**_: Huh?

**Deidara**: Yeah you're flaming.

_**Leader**_: Enough with the gay jokes and just tell Sasori his hair is on fire.

_**Sasori**_: WHAT! *Jumps up and finally puts out his hair.*

_**Konan**_: *Still smashed* Hey Itachi what are you thankful for?

_**Itachi**_: I'm thankful that I don't have any kids.

_**Kisame**_: Here, Here! I'm thankful that I'm once again not on the sushi menu.

_**Hidan**_: I am thankful for that you (BEEP)ING (BEEP)S have left me the (BEEP) ALONE!

_**Kakuzu**_: I'm thankful for the amount of money I have and the amount to come.

_**Deidara**_: I'm thankful that I can still show people my true art. *puts hands together and detonates the cake all over people.* and thankful that (BEEP)ING turkey is finally gone.

_**Sasori**_: Same, Glade to be rid of that turkey.

_**Tobi**_: George? Where's George?

_**Sasori**_: Say hello to the thanksgiving turkey dinner. Turkey Ala George.

_**Tobi**_: *Crying* GEORGE! NO! *CRY!*

_**Zetsu**_: I'm thankful that we have a lot of meat.

_**Sasori**_: Let's eat.

_**Tobi**_: GEORGE! *sniffle* George, George tastes good.

(Tobi starts eating the turkey...with his mask still on...and everyone starts eating. Konan and every other Akatsuki are drunk especially Tobi and except Sasori.)

_**Deidara**_: Stop crying about your stupid turkey

_**Tobi**_: GEORGE!

(Deidara tries to stop the noise and ends up tackling Tobi and starts a full out brawl. Then one by one each Akatsuki passes out. Deidara trips over Tobi and he hits his head on a bowling ball and gets a concussion.)

**Present Day**

_**Deidara**_: So that's what happened.

_**Sasori**_: Yup.

_**Tobi**_: And you're not taking George away from me again! *cry*

_**Deidara**_: I wouldn't eat that thing even if my life depended on It.!

_**Tobi**_: YAY! Come on George you can sit next to me. ^.^

(Everyone sits were they always sit. Except for the two new seats. Lucifer and George the Turkey.)

_**Konan**_: Now let's say what you are all thankful for.

_**Leader**_: Still thankful that I still have this gun.

_**Konan**_: I'm thankful that everyone is still here.

_**Itachi**_: I am thankful...Wait I'm not thankful for anything! And I want to KILL! Kisame. *evil glare*

_**Kisame**_: I'm thankful that Itachi hasn't killed me. THANK YOU GOD!

_**Hidan**_: Humph. (BEEEEEEEP) YOU!

_**Kakuzu**_: Thankful that I have all my money.

_**Deidara**_: I'm thankful that we don't have to eat that crazy turkey.

_**Sasori**_: I have new puppets so I'm happy.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi has George YAY!

_**Zetsu**_: I'm thankful that I have met Veronica.

(The Akatsuki have a good dinner and desert and they all get ready to go to bed when Tobi takes out a remote and presses "PLAY")

**"We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, And a happy New Year!"**

_**Akatsuki**_: **TOBI!**

(Tobi had set up speakers all over the Akatsuki hideout. the cave the above hideout. in every room, every bathroom, and every room in the hideout. and no one could find them until the Akatsuki came in and pressed stop and broke it.)

_**Akatsuki**_: NIGHT!

_**George**_: Gobble

(Sorry that this story is a little jumping, I'm bored.)

**To Be Continued**...In Chapter 5 the Akatsuki go outside and do some gardening and to make sure their garden holds up Leader puts a huge dome around the hideout to keep the rain out. And lets sun light out. Look for "Gardening With Akatsuki". Coming Soon.


	5. Twas the Night before Akatsuki

**Twas the night before Christmas and all through the rain, The Akatsuki were screaming and no **

**one was sane. Tobi jumped fast for a sweet chocolate cookie, Deidara punched hard saying **

"**You damn rookie" Sasori and Zetsu were putting up the tree, while Hidan and Itachi watched **

**for a fall they wanted to see. Kakuzu was out buying some beer; while Leader glared hard With **

**his gun so near. Konan was smashed by sake so hard, Kisame was drunk and signing a Bard. **

**they all rushed fast and ran more some, The Akatsuki were eager for Santa to come. Well the **

**rhyming is done I'm rambling I'm sorry, Now let's get on with the Akatsuki Holiday story.**

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

**Holiday Special: Twas the Night before Akatsuki and Christmas Morning Akatsuki**

_**Deidara**_: Dammit Tobi, Who the hell buys all this Christmas crap the day before THANKSGIVING!

_**Sasori**_: No one but Tobi would do that.

_**Deidara**_: Good point.

(Tobi was put in charge of putting Christmas lights all over the hideout inside and outside. Zetsu just got done putting up the tree and

is now putting the lights and ornaments on. Konan is passed out from drinking too much sake. Kisame is so drunk he's singing

"Walking In Women's Underwear" (By Bob Rivers) Kakuzu is out buy the cheap ass beer and eggnog, Hidan is in charge of setting

up that little toy train and train tracks that go under the tree. Sasori is in charge of Christmas Eve dinner and making sweets. Itachi is

sitting in his recliner chair reading the paper. Tobi and Deidara are fighting because Tobi set up and hid small thumb tack sized

speakers that can get very loud all over the hideout and Deidara was trying to get the remote from him; Because Tobi has been playing

every Christmas song ever made all day and he just snapped, and Tobi was trying to get a chocolate chip cookie and Deidara is

beating the crap out of him for the remote.)

_**Hidan**_: WHY THE (BEEP) AM I THE ONE WHO'S PUTTING THIS (BEEP)ING TRAIN TOGETHER!

_**Itachi**_: Because this way you won't get your blood all over the tree…AGAIN.

_**Dark Zetsu**_: Yeah this is the fourth tree we had to chop down today!

_**White Zetsu**_: I have to agree but it was a good chance to find the perfect tree.

_**Dark Zetsu**_: Ahh shut up you wimp.

_**Hidan**_: Why are we even doing this?

_**Leader**_: *Cocks shotgun* because I said so. And if you don't want your head to be a memory I suggest you quit your whinny bitching

and get back to work!

(Tobi starts digging in Leader's bedroom and finds a small box with thin, small blue plastic packets. Shocked at what he found, he

grabs the box and runs up stairs to show the other Akatsuki his findings.)

_**Tobi**_: Hey look what Tobi found in Leader's bedroom!

_**Deidara**_: What is it now Tobi?

_**Tobi**_: Tobi found a box with thin plastic paper inside and when you open the plastic paper (opens the plastic paper) you find some

kind of rubber thing. And when you stretch it out it gets bigger. You know what this means?

_**Akatsuki**_: O_O What?

_**Tobi**_: Leader has secret Christmas stockings in his bedroom! (Saying it so innocently)

_**Itachi**_: *sigh* Sweet ignorant bliss.

_**Deidara**_: YOU IDIOT THAT'S NOT A STOCKING, THAT'S A BOX OF *Muffles* (Sasori covers Deidara's mouth and whispers

to him.)

_**Sasori**_: Hey just let him dream.

_**Deidara**_: (Whispers back) why should I?

_**Sasori**_: Just look at how angry Leader is. It's obvious that's it's his ass and not ours, as long as we don't say a word. Got it!

_**Deidara**_: Heheheh, Well that's one less nuisance in the world.

(Leader angrily looks at Tobi)

_**Leader**_: (Really pissed off) Tobi?

_**Tobi**_: Huh? Yeah.

_**Leader**_: Go outside and put the lights on the house.

_**Tobi**_: But Tobi already did that.

_**Leader**_: *Cocks shogun and points it at Tobi* WELL GO DO IT AGAIN!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi got to go bye!

_**Konan**_: Sure I gave my paperwork to the pink monkey in the golf cart; he said he was the new football coach.

_**Kisame**_: "I'm wearing her clothes, her silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in Women's underwear" (he sang while drunk)

_**Leader**_: That's it no more alcohol for any of you two…or Itachi ever again.

_**Zetsu**_: Here here.

(Just then the Christmas tree bust into flames. And there is nothing left but ashes.)

_**Akatsuki**_: WTF!

_**Deidara**_: How the hell did that happen!

(All the sober Akatsuki look over at the closest to the tree.)

_**Kisame**_: For my next trick Sleep *Thud, Snore*

_**Akatsuki**_: *Glare*

(Apparently Kisame grabbed a bottle of sake while Konan was passed out, lit a match, poured the sake into his mouth, held the match

in front of his mouth, faced the Christmas tree and attempted to do a flame thrower.)

_**Sasor**_i: Kisame you Dumbass.

_**Kisame**_: Zzzzz…

_**Leader**_: *angry death glare*

_**Sasori**_: Thanks to that shark we have to go outside and get ANOTHER tree.

_**Leader**_: If you knew that already then why haven't you done it already?

_**Sasori**_: I'm not doing it again!

_**Leader**_: No your not, Cause we are all going to go! *Cocks shot gun* NOW MOVE YOUR ASSES!

_**Akatsuki**_: FINE!

**The Forest Surrounding the Akatsuki Hideout**

(The Akatsuki *Leader, Itachi, Sasori, Hidan, Zetsu and Deidara* are walking around outside in the cold looking for a Christmas tree

for the FIFTH time.)

_**Deidara**_: Hey Leader do you think it was a good idea to leave Konan, Kisame passed out and alone with Tobi?

_**Sasori**_: Heheh, I made sure to lock the door so Tobi can't get back inside until we come back.

_**Deidara**_: Heheh, Useless little bastard is gonna freeze.

**Akatsuki Hideout Outside on the Roof**

_**Tobi**_: Lalalalalalalalalala…..Tobi wonders when the guy will be back? Can't wonder that now, Tobi has to put even more lights up.

Now where did Tobi put those movie studio, colored light bulb floodlights? Lalalalalalalalalala…..

**The Forest Surrounding the Akatsuki Hideout**

_**Hidan**_: GAWD! WERE THE (BEEP) ARE WE!

_**Leader**_: Here we are!

(The Akatsuki walk up to a 39ft pine tree.)

_**Leader**_: This is the perfect tree.

_**Itachi**_: Isn't it kind of big?

_**Leader**_: It's not big it's just full.

_**Itachi**_: Leader, that thing won't even fit in our yard.

_**Leader**_: It's not going in our yard Itachi; it's going in our living room.

_**Hidan**_: IT'S TOO (BEEP)ING BIG!

_**Leader**_: Who wants this tree?

(No one raises their hand.)

_**Leader**_: Then it's settled, if we can't have this tree…Zetsu your going to volunteer to be the tree. Well?

(Now the Akatsuki are trying to decide how to transport the tree.)

**Three Miles Away**

_**Sakon**_: Lord Orochimaru what are we doing here? *Note in this they are still live*

_**Ukon**_: Yeah, Why are we here?

_**Orochimaru**_: Because an Akatsuki member sent us an invitation card to come and spend Christmas Eve with them.

_**Jirobo**_: Which Akatsuki member would do that?

_**Tayuya**_: Some Dumbass called Tobi. Huh, Sounds like a pet to me?

_**Sasuke**_: Sounds like a trap to me.

_**Orochimaru**_: SASUKE! *runs over to hug Sasuke*

_**Kabuto**_: Lord Orochimaru please stay focused.

(The sun is setting and the Akatsuki are dragging the tree back to the hideout while the sound ninjas are spying on the hideout with

binoculars.)

_**Orochimaru**_: Look there, it's the Akatsuki hideout.

_**Sasuke**_: Not much of a hideout if WE can find it.

_**Tayuya**_: He's got a point; the Akatsuki must be planning to eliminate us, the bastards.

_**Jirobo**_: You should watch what you say.

_**Tayuya**_: Oh shut it fatass. I say what ever the hell I wanna say and no one is ever going to tell me otherwise, GOT IT!

_**Kidomaru**_: Alright that's enough you two, but anyways this could be fun. Heheheh…Hello Akatsuki, I want to play a game.

_**Sakon**_: Yeah, you really need to stop watching those SAW movies.

_**Kidomaru**_: I should do something like that.

_**Sakon**_: What kidnap people and mess with their heads saying that you can choose one way or the other?

_**Kidomaru**_: Yeah, that sounds like fun.

_**Sakon**_: Lord Orochimaru already dose that.

_**Kidomaru**_: Now that you think about it…Damn.

_**Tayuya**_: Shhhhhhhh… I see an Akatsuki member on the roof of the hideout.

_**Jirobo**_: What's he doing?

_**Kabuto**_: It looks like he's putting up Christmas lights.

_**Ukon**_: Hey I can kind of hear his voice.

_**Kidomaru**_: Me too. Now what are you saying…

_**Tobi**_: NOW LETS TURN ON THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!

(The sound ninjas including Sasuke are watching the Akatsuki hideout very closely with their binoculars, and the Akatsuki are

walking back to their hideout with that tree when….Tobi runs over to the main power switch were all the cords to the lights are and

flips the switch to show a light so bright you can literally see it from space.)

_**Sound Ninjas + Sasuke**_: SON OF A BITCH!

_**Akatsuki**_: SON OF A BITCH!

_**Kakuzu**_: SON OF A BITCH! (Who is coming back from buying beer and sake)

_**Akatsuki, Sounds Ninjas + Sasuke**_: JESUS! WTF! WHO THE….GAH MY EYES ARE BURNING!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is a good boy.

(The Sound Ninjas and the Akatsuki are pissed off and approach the not so secret Akatsuki hideout.)

**The Akatsuki Hideout**

_**Akatsuki and Sound Ninjas**_: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHO USES FLOOD LIGHTS AS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi dose!

_**Akatsuki and Sound Ninjas**_: Wait…WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!

_**Akatsuki**_: US! WE LIVE HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!

_**Orochimaru**_: We got an invitation to come here.

_**Leader**_: I never sent a….TOBI!

_**Tobi**_: Yes?

_**Leader**_: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi thought since snaky man was once part of the Akatsuki Tobi thought that Tobi would invite them over for Christmas.

_**Tayuya**_: Told you he was their pet.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is not a pet.

(Just then Kakuzu shows up)

_**Kakuzu**_: WTF TOBI! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THIS!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is a good boy.

_**Deidara**_: NO TOBI IS BAD!

_**Hidan**_: THE (BEEP)ING LIGHTS ARE SO (BEEP)ING BRIGHT AND WARM IT'S MELTING THE (BEEP)ING SNOW!

_**Tayuya**_: AND SOONER OR LATER THE GRASS WILL BE GROWING LIKE (BEEP)ING DAISIES!

_**Hidan**_: Exactly!

_**Leader**_: Fine since all of you are here, I guess you will have to come in…BUT YOU ALL HAVE TO BE GONE BEFORE

TOMORROW NIGHT! GOT IT!

**Inside the Akatsuki Hideout**

_**Kisame**_: (Still drunk) In the store there's a teddy, with little straps like spaghetti…..oh hey guys did you see that tree go up in smoke,

it was like whoa! But I couldn't stop it. Next up…Sleep *thud, snore*

_**Itachi**_: Hey Konan I just remembered…where's Lucifer?

_**Konan**_: Oh yeah! Where is he? *hiccup*

_**Orochimaru**_: Lucifer?

_**Konan**_: *Still drunk and doesn't realize what's going on* Oh Lucifer is Itachi's son. hahahahah remember you were in the audience at

the Maury show, and then you got thrown out? Heheheh *thud, sleep*

_**Orochimaru**_: *gasp* *muttering to himself* Since Lucifer is Itachi's son and I now have Sasuke….If I can get my hands on Lucifer

as well…then I can have the sharingan two times over and double the power. *muttering stops* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! IT'S

THE PERFECT PLAN!

(Itachi walks up to Sasuke while Orochimaru is laughing in the background)

_**Itachi**_: What's his problem?

_**Sasuke**_: Who knows.

_**Itachi**_: Wanna meet your nephew Lucifer?

_**Sasuke**_: Sure.

_**Hidan**_: Long time no see.

_**Tayuya**_: WTF are you talking about you (BEEP)ING Dumbass! I called you everyday but you never picked up the (BEEP)ING

phone!

_**Hidan**_: Then don't call at 4 in the (BEEP)ING morning you bitch!

_**Hidan/Tayuya**_: Where have you been all my life?

_**Akatsuki/Sound Ninjas**_: Eww…That is so wrong on so many levels.

(Sasuke and Itachi walk down stairs to go to Lucifer. Sasori, Zetsu, Sakon and Ukon are putting up the 39ft. very painful pine tree.

Tayuya and Hidan have met each other again, Kisame and Konan are still passed out, Kakuzu is yelling at Tobi for the Christmas

lights, Leader is talking to Orochimaru about what they have been up to in the last three years. Kidomaru and George *Tobi's pet

turkey* are playing a video game, Jirobo, Deidara, and Kabuto are arguing about which soap drama TV series is the best.)

**Akatsuki Hideout: Down Stairs: Lucifer's Room**

_**Sasuke**_: Now that I think about it…he looks like you.

_**Itachi**_: Really?

_**Sasuke**_: Sorta. Hey, Itachi?

_**Itachi**_: Yeah?

**Sasuke**: Why name him Lucifer?

_**Itachi**_: It was Leader's idea…I wanted to name him fluffy. Just like what I called you for the first three years of your life.

_**Sasuke**_: What?

_**Itachi**_: Actually for the first three years of your life…I thought you were a house cat.

_**Sasuk**_e: Oo….I thought it was strange how I had a cat collar in the remembrance box, and the fact that we never had a cat.

_**Itachi**_: Yup….my idea.

**Akatsuki Hideout: Living Room**

_**Sasori**_: Easy, easy, easy.

_**Sakon**_: We know!

_**Ukon**_: OWW, Who the hell chose a 39ft thick pine tree?

_**Sasori**_: Leader.

_**Sakon**_: Great. It's up. And now we have to pull out so many needles out of our bodies.

_**Tayuya**_: Quit your bitchin.

_**Kidomaru**_: How is this turkey who is trying to eat the controller beating me?

_**Sasori**_: The world my never know.

_**Deidara**_: I think "One Hill Tree" is the best soap opera show ever.

_**Kabuto**_: I disagree, It's a very good show, but I think "Days of Our Days" is the best soap opera show ever.

_**Jirobo**_: You to don't know anything. "Hospital General" is THE best soap opera EVER made.

_**Deidara**_: "Hospital General" sucks.

_**Jirobo**_: Then you're just another dumb blonde

_**Kabuto**_: Fine lets watch each one and then deicide.

_**Sasori**_: Either those three are feminine or gay.

_**Zetsu**_: Deidara is either gay or a girl. The other two are most definitely flaming gay.

_**Sakon/Ukon/Sasori**_: Yup.

_**Leader**_: So that's what happened…Wow you suck when it comes to attacking the Leaf.

_**Orochimaru**_: Humph.

_**Kisame**_: *Snore*

_**Konan**_: *Wakes up* *gasp* SAKE! *chugging sake* *Passes out again*

_**Kakuzu**_: TOBI WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME MORE HEART ATTACKS!

_**Tobi**_: Nooo…

_**Kakuzu**_: Then why are you using so many lights.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi wants the Akatsuki hideout to bright and shiny so that everyone…

_**Kakuzu**_: KNOW WERE TO FIND US!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi was going to say bright and shiny.

_**Kakuzu**_: It's like chewing tin foil with you sometimes,

**9:30 p.m. Living Room**

_**Leader**_: Now lets start the tradition were we each open one Christmas present on Christmas Eve.

_**Everyone**_: Okay.

(Leader walks over towards the Christmas tree and picks up the fist present he sees.)

_**Leader**_: hmmm…this one is for…Tobi. Here.

(Leader hands Tobi the box and Tobi grabs the box, rips it open like a rabid cat on crack.)

_**Tobi**_: YAY! Tobi got a Barbie play set. Now my brunette Barbie can have someone to talk to. (Runs off to get his blonde and

brunette Barbie)

_**Everyone**_: Oo…*Silence*

_**Leader**_: Okay whose next...Kidomaru.

_**Kidomaru**_: I wonder what this is. (opens the box and pulls out that talking Jigsaw puppet and pulls the string.)

_**Jigsaw Puppet**_: Hello I want to play a game.

_**Kidomaru**_: Cool

_**Leader**_: Next is Deidara.

_**Deidara**_: Huh? WTF IS THIS! (Pulls out a doll called the "Baby Laugh a lot" and pulls the string.)

(*Note: the baby laugh a lot

was made in 1971 by Remco. And has a very scary laugh…go on youtube and look it up so you can hear what everyone else hear*)

_**Everyone**_: Oo holy crap.

_**Deidara**_: This unholy thing is evil!

_**Sasori**_: It's the spawn of satin!

(Deidara throws it on the floor and it finally shuts up.)

_**Leader**_: Next okay umm...Hidan.

(Hidan opens the box and he got a meat slicer)

_**Hidan**_: HOLY (BEEP) JACKPOT! Time to perform my Jashin ritual.

(After some time and handing presents out later everyone opened one present each. Leader gets a new riding lawn mower with a place

to place his shotgun and shotgun bullets for easy shooting and reloading. Kakuzu gets bills from the wall-mart that they visited. Sasori

gets the body of a pizza delivery boy from two days ago. Zetsu gets a new potted plant, a venues fly trap. Kisame gets a new fish

bowel. Konan got that new shirt that her Tayuya nearly killed each other for. Itachi gets prescription goggle glasses. Sasuke gets a new

cat collar with a tag that says fluffy on it, and tags saying that he had all his shots. Orochimaru gets a Sasuke that is bound and gagged

with ribbons and a bow. Orochimaru rushes over to Sasuke to hug him, when Itachi picks him up and switches him with a Sasuke life

size plushy. Tayuya gets the same shirt her and Konan nearly killed each other for. Jirobo gets a cook book for heart healthy recipes.

Sakon and Ukon get distinctive identical new robes. Kabuto gets a surgical kit.)

_**Granny Chiyo**_: My, my, so this is where you've been Sasori?

_**Sasori**_: What the? GRANNY CHIYO! (Sasori freaks out, his mouth opens wide, and he hits the wall.) WTF ARE YOU DOING

HERE!

_**Granny Chiyo**_: I got an invitation from a boy named Tobi. And it came with directions to this place.

_**Sasori**_: How did you get in? There's a hand print scanner and the entrance and the hideout would sound the alarm if someone other

than the Akatsuki steps in the hideout.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi had to shut all that down so Tobi would not blow the power when Tobi turned on the Christmas lights.

_**Leader**_: *Cocks shotgun* you did…..WHAT! Tobi I'm going to shoot you and kill you, then I'm going to burn you body in a

HOLY BON FIRE! *_Bang, Bang, Bang!_*

(Leader started firing at Tobi and some how Tobi dodged all of them. Granny Chiyo walks up to Sasori and starts hugging him.

_**Granny Chiyo**_: Sasori it's so good to see you again, it's been so long…and Sasori you look so thin have you been eating well?

_**Deidara**_: (Just to piss him off) Yeah Sasori, you know I've barley seen you eat at all…you look as thin as a puppet. Heheheh.

(Sasori hits Deidara in the back of the head for that remark and Granny Chiyo walks with Sasori reminiscing about when he was

younger.)

_**Itachi**_: Hey Sasuke?

_**Sasuke**_: Yeah?

_**Itachi**_: We should reminisce about when **you** were younger?

_**Sasuke**_: Let's change the subject.

(After some time everyone eats dinner and sits in the living room talking with each other. Tobi is playing with his Barbie's, Kidomaru

is playing games, and everyone else is talking about the good old days.)

(Tobi is holding a blonde Barbie named Barbie, and holding a brunette Barbie named Michael and a brown haired ken doll lying

down near by. Tobi is playing with them and the Akatsuki are watching and listening.)

_**Barbie**_: How dare you Michael!

_**Michael**_: How dare I what?

_**Barbie**_: You're nothing but a dirty rotten slut who sleeps with anything with a pulse!

_**Michael**_: Takes one to know one you (BEEP)ING whore!

(Tobi picks up Barbie and ties a mini machete to her hand and starts to cut off Michael's head and uses ketchup for blood. Eventually

Michael's head comes off and rolls on the floor in ketchup.)

_**Barbie**_: That's what she gets! the dirty whore!

_**Ken**_: Barbie what have you done?

_**Barbie**_: Don't think your getting off easily You man whore!

_**Ken**_: Now Barbie, Please take the meds. the doctor gave you and calm down.

_**Barbie**_: I knew you didn't love me!

(Tobi ties a mini knife to her hand and makes Ken start running while Barbie sings)

_**Barbie singing very slowly**_:

One, Two Barbie's coming for you

Three, Four better lock the door,

Five, Six get your crucifix,

Seven, Eight better stay up late,

Nine, Ten never dream again.

You've been a bad boy Ken, Heheh, and now YOUR GONNA PAY!

(Tobi makes Barbie saw off ken's head and then he rips off his limbs. and pours ketchup all over ken and the floor. Deidara is starting

to get pissed so he walks over to Tobi and turns him around while he's sitting on the floor talking to Barbie.)

_**Deidara**_: Hey Tobi your getting ketchup all over the floor, knock it off! *turns Tobi around* What the?

_**Tobi**_: Barbie says I don't have to listen to you, Because Barbie is the leader. Barbie is the true leader.

_**Deidara**_; WTF are you talking about Tobi. Barbie is a doll. It dose not have a conscience, So let it go *tries to pull the doll out of

Tobi's hands*

_**Tobi**_: NOOOO! Barbie is the one and only leader! Barbie is the true leader of Akatsuki. She's the true and only one. HAHAHA!

(The Akatsuki see Tobi acting crazy and get quiet and back away slowly in fear of the now even creepier psychotic masked Tobi.)

_**Leader**_: SNAP OUT OF IT TOBI! (Slaps the doll out of Tobi's hand, and he goes back to being…well…Tobi.)

_**Tobi**_: Tobi wants a hug! Will Deidara Senpai hug Tobi?

_**Deidara**_: HELL N…*Remembers what Tobi did to the Barbie dolls and wonder what he will do if he said no* Fine. But just this-

_**Tob**_i: YAY! *Glomps Deidara* Tobi is happy once again!

_**Deidara**_: Okay, okay, okay, OKAY! STOP IT!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is going to sing and dance.

_**Akatsuki**_: NO!

(Tobi wanders off and leaves the Akatsuki alone to wonder what just happened.)

_**Sasori**_: That was the creepiest thing I have ever seen.

_**Konan**_: (Carrying Lucifer) *yawn* what I miss?

_**Zetsu**_: Just Tobi mutilating his Barbie dolls with razor blades then he went crazy saying that Barbie was the one true leader of

Akatsuki.

_**Konan**_: So I just missed the usual?

_**Leader**_: Yeah pretty much.

_**Konan**_: Here (Hands Itachi Lucifer) He's yours, You take care of him. *hiccup*

_**Orochimaru**_: Hey Itachi if you don't want to watch him I will. I have experience on babysitting.

_**Itachi**_: Then until you leave I'm not letting Lucifer out of my sight.

_**Deidara**_: and with your bad eyesight, you better put that kid in a dog harness.

_**Sasori**_: With his bad eyesight he's likely to mistake a traffic cone for his kid and put that in the swing and leave the kid in the mud.

_**Deidara/Sasori**_: Heheheh. *high five*

_**Leader**_: It's time for the sound ninjas and Granny Chiyo to go back home.

(Leader and the Akatsuki escort them to the border of rain and grass. and says…)

**Border of Rain and Grass**

**Leader**: Thank you for joining us at our Christmas party….

_**Tayuya**_: HOLY CRAP I CAN STILL SEE THOSE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!

_**Leader**_: Tobi when we get back you are taking those down.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi never takes them down, Tobi just turns them off.

_**Leader**_: FINE! When we get back turn them off!

_**Tobi**_: Okay ^. ^

_**Leader**_: Now…so you won't tell anyone were our hideout is…were gonna have to erase your memory. Akatsuki! Black shades on

NOW!

(All the Akatsuki take out black sunglasses like from the men in black movie…Tobi puts on a eye patch. and pulls out those memory

erase sticks also from the men in black movie.)

_**Leader**_: Have safe trip back. *FLASH* (Flashes all the sound ninjas, Granny Chiyo, and Sasuke.)

**Akatsuki Hideout**

_**Leader**_: Now Tobi TURN OFF THESE (BEEP)ING LIGHTS!

_**Tobi**_: Okay ^. ^

(After Tobi turns off the lights and all the Akatsuki go inside to go to sleep and wait for "Santa" to come)

**11:30 p.m.**

**Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring**

**Except for the crazed masked Tobi that just consumed four times his own weight in sugary**

**products.**

**7:30 a.m. Christmas Day**

(Its Christmas morning and all the Akatsuki are asleep until…)

_**Tobi**_: (Over Leader's intercom) IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING WAKE UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS!

_**Akatsuki**_: AAAHHHH! TOBI! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!

_**Tobi**_: It's Christmas morning and Tobi made breakfast!

_**Akatsuki**_: *Gulp in fear* Great.

(The Akatsuki go into the dining room and see that the breakfast looks like something out of a magazine.)

_**Deidara**_: Hey Sasori did Tobi have a stroke?

_**Sasori**_: I think it had something to do with him eating four times his own body weight in sugar last night.

(After eating breakfast all the Akatsuki goes into the living room when Leader makes an announcement)

_**Leader**_: Alright everybody ten a.m. Santa's coming to tow…

_**Tobi**_: SANTA! OH MY GOD! Santa's coming? I know him…I know him.

_**Deidara**_: *Smacks Tobi upside the head* Shut up, stupid.

_**Tobi**_: But I do know Santa.

_**Sasori**_: When did you meet him?

_**Tobi**_: Last night. Tobi met Santa then Santa knocked Tobi out and poured cinnamon all over Tobi. That explains why Tobi woke up in cinnamon.

_**Deidara**_: The sugar made him hallucinate

_**Sasori**_: What about the cinnamon.

_**Deidara**_: Maybe he went bonkers when he saw a Santa ornament then ran with a large bag of cinnamon and then passed out cause of the sugar over dose in the cinnamon.

_**Konan**_: *hiccup* I love sake.

_**Leader**_: Great Konan found the sake and eggnog.

_**Kisame**_: Hey, what's going on, Seven maids a milking, Six maids a milking …Five maids a milki..*thud* (Itachi knocks Kisame out with a club.)

_**Itachi**_: Finally *pulls out ear plugs and sits in his chair*

_**Zetsu**_: Veronica is happy and so am I.

_**Hidan**_: Zetsu that is a (BEEP)ing tree, now you need to take some meds. or go grow in the yard!

_**Zetsu**_: I find that offensive.

_**Hidan**_: Tough (BEEP) So deal with it you whinny little plant bitch!

**Kakuzu**: You're the whinny little bitch Hidan!

_**Hidan**_: Piss off money freak!

_**Tobi**_: You guys its Christmas, A time for giving, sharing and brotherly love, and joy to everyone and…

_**Hidan**_: And the time for shut the (BEEP) UP!

_**Deidara**_: I agree, we are S ranked criminals. The rules of Christmas don't apply.

_**Tobi**_: No matter who you are Christmas is a time of giving, sharing good will towards men. A time of happiness, and being nice to your co-workers.

**10:00 a.m. Time For Santa**

_**Leader**_: Alright it's time for Santa to come.

_**Hidan**_: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, why is Santa coming here?

_**Leader**_: There were for some reason twelve "Let Santa Visit" suggestions in the Akatsuki suggestion box.

(All stop and look at Tobi.)

_**Tobi**_: What?

_**Zetsu**_: Great. Thanks to this little bastard we have to endure Santa. Well at least I know what I'm having for a snack.

_**Hidan**_: Heheh Death to the jolly fat man who can see little kids while they are a sleep, and knows when their awake. It's even creepier when a fat guy dressed in red which parents teach their kids that red means danger, and that a fat guy is happy to let little kids sit on his lap. He breaks in and leaves stuff. Who knows what he dose to the kids when he leaves stuff in their room. Maybe there are hidden cameras in the stuff he gives them.

_**Deidara**_: Now that you think of it like that. Man Santa is a pedophile.

_**Itachi**_: Reminds me of my first babysitter "NANA" So Santa is just like "NANA"…a kiddy fiddler.

_**Kakuzu**_: I wonder when Santa will realize that he's giving away valuable merchandise fro free to a bunch of spoiled little snot nosed brats that will play with the toys for ten minutes then do something else.

_**Tobi**_: Where did Hidan go? He was right there a second ago complaining then it got really quiet. Did Santa take Hidan to torturer him for being really, really naughty?

_**Sasori**_: So Leader who is Santa?

_**Leader**_: You'll see.

(Just then the door opens and in comes a guy in a red coat and pants with black boots, a thick white beard, a big stomach and a red hat.)

_**Tobi**_: SANTA!

_**Santa**_: Ho, ho, ho! Yes it's me and clearly not Hidan with a gun at the back of his head.

_**Tobi**_: It is you Tobi knew you were here. Why Santa why did you knock Tobi out when Tobi saw you?

_**Santa**_: FOR THE LOVE JASHIN I'M HIDAN YOU DUMBASS!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi knows that. Tobi isn't stupid.

_**Deidara**_: Tobi who are you talking to?

_**Tobi**_: Hidan. Who else?

_**Hidan**_: I'm OVER HERE!

_**Deidara**_: That's not Hidan.

**Tobi**: Yes he is.

_**Sasori**_: Then who is that? (Points at Hidan)

_**Tobi**_: Santa.

_**Deidara**_: Then who are you talking to?

_**Tobi**_: Hidan.

_**Deidara**_: *Sigh* THAT'S NOT HIDAN! THAT'S A SANTA ORNAMENT!

_**Tobi**_: No it's not its Hidan.

_**Sasori**_: (Whispers to Deidara) I think Tobi needs his eyes checked.

_**Deidara**_: (Whispers back) Not just his eyes but his brain.

_**Sasori**_: I'll be happy to do the procedure.

_**Deidara**_: What's the survival rate?

_**Sasori**_: 0.0000000000000001% survival rate.

_**Deidara**_: That's it 0.0000000000000001%?

_**Sasori**_: Yeah it's too risky. He might survive.

_**Deidara**_: Damn.

_BANG! _*Glass breaking*

_**Sasori/Deidara**_: HOLY CRAP, WTF WAS THAT!

_**Leader**_: Just got rid of that ugly Santa ornament. Now to get rid of Santa. *Cocks shotgun*

_**Hidan**_: Wait, wait, wait! (Takes off the Santa clothes and standing in his underwear.) See not I'm not Santa.

_**Leader**_: Good.

_**Kisame**_: Hey Itachi.

_**Itachi**_: What?

_**Kisame**_: What you get Lucifer for Christmas?

_**Itachi**_: A cat collar.

_**Kisame**_: Heheh.

_**Zetsu**_: Veronica you look so beautiful in your new plant pot.

_**Kisame**_: Sophie I LOVE YOU!

_**Itachi**_: Easy fish boy.

**1:00 p.m.**

(The entire Akatsuki even Leader are in the living room watching Christmas specials…Kisame has the remote.)

_**Deidara**_: So what are we gonna watch?

_**Kisame**_: "A Christmas Story"

_**Itachi**_: Huh. Whatever.

_**TV**_: NO mama NO! OW OWOW!

_**Akatsuki**_: HAHAHAHAHA!

**Zetsu**: I love that part.

**Hidan**: That's the only good part.

_**Itachi**_: I love the part at the end when he gets shot with a bi bi.

_**Sasori**_: That kid is a wimp.

_**Tobi**_: Santa is mean in this story.

_**Leader**_: If that was me I'd steal the gun myself.

_**Konan**_: It's funny how his friend's mom beats the hell out of her son.

_**Kakuzu**_: Humph. They spent too much money on this movie.

**7:30 p.m.**

_**Hidan**_: Ugggg…How many more Christmas do we have to (BEEP)ing watch!

_**Deidara**_: Where's the remote? *Looks around* WTF is this?

_**Sasori**_: The remote.

_**Deidara**_: You sure?

_**Sasori**_: Yup.

_**Deidara**_: Fine you work it.

_**Sasori**_: I don't know how to work it.

_**Deidara**_: You don't?

**Sasori**: Nope, so you work it.

**Deidara**: I don't even know how to work the blender.

_**Sasori**_: Wait, you don't know how to work the remote or blender? Holy Crap! Who is buying this shit!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is going to make dinner!

_**Deidara**_: Fine whatever moron! Why would anyone buy something no one knows how to work? Wait a second, What did he say?

_**BOOM!**_

_**Fire Alarm**_: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

_**Akatsuki**_: TOBI!

(Fire Alarm beeps fade out)

**Leader: We hope you enjoyed this Akatsuki holiday story…**

**Konan: It would have been better if it was gorey,**

**Kisame: We had fun with the random Akatsuki ways…**

**Tobi: And more fun will come in more random days,**

**Zetsu: This was a day of holiday cheer…**

**Kakuzu: But next time bring your own damn beer,**

**Sasori: Be thankful you didn't hear the songs we haven't sang…**

**Deidara: But I was hoping to be the cause of a really big bang,**

**Itachi: But one thing is certain with out a doubt…**

**Hidan: It's the end of this story; NOW GET THE (BEEP) OUT! **


	6. Saturday: Home Gardening Akatsuki Pt1

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

**Saturday: Home Gardening Akatsuki Pt. 1 The Preparation**

**Inside the Akatsuki Hideout**

**(Living Room)**

(The Akatsuki are sitting and waiting for Leader *Pein* to let them outside for their next Akatsuki activity.)

_**Hidan**_: What the hell are we waiting for?

_**Zetsu**_: We are waiting for Leader to get done with what ever he's doing so we can get on with today's activities.

_**Kakuzu**_: Who's the nimrod who suggested that we do "Activities" any way?

_**Deidara**_: I agree, aren't we, the Akatsuki, supposed to be looking for new jutsu and the tailed beasts?

_**Sasori**_: We are, but right now we are low in chakra and we need time to store up enough so we can collect all nine.

_**Kisame**_: Hey, I just realized something. Where's Konan…and Lucifer?

_**Itachi**_: She took him to get fresh air….And shopping.

_**Kisame**_: Oh yeah. Hey Itachi how old is Lucifer.

_**Itachi**_: I don't know.

_**Kisame**_: Heh? Wait you know how old he is?

_**Itachi**_: Right.

_**Deidara**_: Well I didn't know it was possible, but you just set a new record for the least caring parent this world has ever seen.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi knows. Lucifer is ten months old.

_**Deidara**_: Yeah whatever…wait…Huh? Tobi how do you know?

_**Tobi**_: I looked at his birth certificate. He was born on June 10th of last year.

_**Sasori**_: So in two months we'll be having a birthday party for Lucifer…Great.

_**Deidara**_: Hey Itachi?

_**Itachi**_: Yeah?

_**Deidara**_: What color is Lucifer's hair?

_**Itachi**_: Green? No wait purple. Hmmm…Turquoise, My final answer.

_**Deidara**_: Try grayish black.

_**Sasori**_: (Walks over to Itachi with a hot cup of tea.) You are the weakest link…Goodbye. *Pours tea over Itachi's head*

_**Itachi**_: Really mature Sasori. And you're what, two or three time older than me?

_**Sasori**_: Whatever.

_**Leader**_: *Over the intercom that was placed outside* Attention, all useless bums living inside the Akatsuki hideout, are needed outside ASAP, Staying inside is not an option, NOW GET YOUR NO GOOD CARCASS OUTSIDE BEFORE I PUMP YOUR GUTS FULL OF LEAD!

(As the Akatsuki gather around outside they see two people they have never seen before. A guy with black hair and deep brown eyes, tan skin with baggie black pants, and a fish net shirt…and an umbrella put up and in his right hand. And a girl with elbow length red hair with two green streaks in the front, a fish net shirts with a dark purple loose shirt over that and stops a few inches above her belly button, black ninja leggings under a blood red mini skirt and combat boots. The guy is standing there with a calm look on his face, while the girl is standing there with a nice smile on her face, like she was actually happy to be at an S-Ranked criminal secret hideout.)

_**Hidan**_: WHO THE (BEEP) ARE THEY! WTF IS GOING ON LEADER? WHY ARE THERE OUTSIDERS AT OUR (BEEP)ING BASE!

_**Deidara**_: I'd hate to agree but Hidan is right, why are you letting outsiders know were our base is?

_**Kisame**_: Don't worry if they try anything I'll just cut them an arm or a leg, right Sameda?

_**Hidan**_: (BEEEEEP)! I will not (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP,BEEEEP, BEEEEEEEEP) And that's final.

_**Leader**_: *Cocks shotgun* these two are experienced gardeners and I have hired them to help decorate our yard for the annual "Fairy Tale Garden Competition" AND I WILL NOT LOSE TO OROCHIMARU!

_**Akatsuki**_: Just perfect…Leader just gave us another reason to question why he's in charge.

_**Leader**_: Ahem. Now let me introduce these two. They are professional gardeners who are going to help US turn the Akatsuki back yard into the "Alice in Wonderland" theme. (Walks over to the new guy) His name is K. (Walks over to the new girl) Her name is Naomi Uirusu.

_**K and Naomi**_: *thinking* How did we get into this mess.

_**K**_: *Still thinking* All I was doing is fulfilling my mission about the land of rain when I was suddenly grabbed by this shadowy guy with the weird looking eyes and was forced to be their gardener. I don't even like gardening.

_**Naomi**_: *Still thinking* I am completely confident about this job. Since I am a woman my girly gardening instincts will kick in and I will do a good job and I will get paid. Oh-yeah. Plus I really want to join, those cloaks look awesome.

_**K**_: *Still thinking* Just my freaking luck. *Sigh*

_**Naomi**_: *Still thinking* this is going to be so much fun.

_**Leader**_: And as a bonus, these two are going to be our newest members of the Akatsuki.

_**Akatsuki except Tobi**_: (BEEEEEP)

_**Tobi**_: YAY! NEW FRIENDS! (Rushes over to K) Will you be Tobi's friend?

_**K**_: Umm…(Points at Deidara) He will.

_**Deidara**_: Uh?

_**Tobi**_: YAY! (Runs over and dose a football tackle to Deidara…except it's a hug.)

_**Deidara**_: GET OFF ME YOU LITTLE FREAK!

_**K**_: You know for a woman, you are awfully mean.

_**Hidan/Kisame**_: *Snicker*

_**Deidara**_: I'M NOT A WOMAN, I'M A MAN!

_**K**_: Sure, that's what they ALL say.

_**Deidara**_: Hey Tobi.

_**Tobi**_: Yeah?

_**Deidara**_: K's got a great big friendship hug for you…and he says he will be you best, BEST friend forever.

_**Tobi**_: He doses! YAY! (Rushes over to hug K, but before Tobi has a change to hug him K tells Deidara something so that Tobi would hear.)

_**K**_: No Deidara you're wrong, Leader is the one with the friendship hug and will be Tobi's best, BEST friend forever.

_**Tobi**_: He dose YAY! (Runs off to find Leader)

_**K**_: (Talking to Deidara) how long do you think till he realizes that we tricked him?

**(Background) **

_**Leader**_: WTF!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi wants a hug! (Jumps up to do a ninja hug)

_**Leader**_: Not this time you little *_BANG_*

_**Tobi**_: *THUD*

_**Deidara**_: Not soon enough.

_**K/Deidara**_: Heheheh *High Fives*

_**Leader**_: Now like I was saying, were going to use the "Alice in Wonderland" theme for the yard, any questions?

_**Hidan**_: Two actually, One are you sure you're the leader of Akatsuki, and Two Alice in Wonderland?

_**Leader**_: What's wrong with Alice in Wonderland?

_**Hidan**_: Probably the fact that every time I watch it I think I'm high on Sasori's cooking.

_**Leader**_: Well bitch about on your own time, we have work to do. Deidara, I want you to make clay sculptures of the characters from Alice in Wonderland, WHICH DOES **NOT** EXPLODE! Sasori, I want you to paint the sculptures in the correct colors of the characters. Naomi, Hidan, You two will trim hedges to these designs *hands them designs and blue prints of how he wants the hedges cut* Got it! Itachi, K, you two will arrange flowers all over the yard to these specifics *hand them maps, designs, to extreme detail of each flower* Kisame, Zetsu, you two will handle the fountains. Tobi, you will set up decorative lights all around so we will have a spectacular light show since they are coming at night. I want the lights so bright it will turn this base from night to DAY! Kakuzu, you will go and buy more stuff when we run out, and if you see Konan tell her to get back here in time for the competition.

_**Kakuzu**_: Why?

_**Leader**_: When it comes to competitions no matter what it is she gets very, very, very competitive. To the point were it turns into a matter of life and death….Kakuzu buy lots of luminal. Everyone has their orders, now get to work OR ELSE I'LL HAVE KONAN SLIT YOUR THROATS WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP!

(After that threat Leader puts on an apron, one of those gardening hats and walks towards his prized Azalea bush and begins trimming it. He stopped and turns to the Akatsuki who are gathering their tools and says)

_**Leader**_: Oh and any if any, ANY of you little (BEEP)S go near my azaleas I WILL RIP YOU LIVER OUT THROUGH YOUR EARS!

_**Akatsuki**_: *Walks away from the psycho with the shotgun*

**(Flower Garden)**

_**K**_: Hey Itachi are things always like this?

_**Itachi**_: Pretty much, were just trying not to get shot.

_**K**_: But would he really try to rip out our livers if we messed with his Azaleas?

_**Itachi**_: Yup, and without mercy.

**(Hedges)**

_**Hidan**_: Why the (BEEP) do I have to trim these (BEEP)ING hedges.

_**Naomi**_: Hey watch it you almost cut my hand off!

_**Hidan**_: Tough shit.

_**Naomi**_: If I lose as so much as a finger, YOUR GONNA LOSE A HEAD!

**(Fountain)**

_**Kisame**_: Man why dose Leader think he can do this.

_**Zetsu**_: Because he wants to beat Orochimaru in a gardening contest.

_**Kisame**_: I get that, but why Gardening?

_**Zetsu**_: Leader doesn't like his azaleas, he _**LOVES **_his azaleas, and he wants to have a garden that makes us look like a bunch of pansies.

_**Kisame**_: Aren't pansies a type of flower?

_**Zetsu**_: Yup, and it's also an insult.

_**Kisame**_: I think he means to insult us.

_**Zetsu**_: Yup.

**(Sculpture Area)**

_**Deidara**_: Why do I have to use my art to do something like this?

_**Sasori**_: You'll get shot if you don't

_**Deidara**_: But mine is supposed to be an explosion not stupid looking non-exploding caterpillars, and cats.

_**Sasori**_: I don't like doing this any more than you do. Just deal with it.

_**Deidara**_: But what I can't stand is how Tobi can just blindly follow orders like that, even after getting shot.

*Deidara and Sasori both look over at Tobi*

**(The Entrance to the Garden)**

_**Tobi**_: *Singing* Pretty lights, pretty lights, pretty lights, Going to turn day into nights with my very pretty lights, pretty lights, pretty lights, that's rights ^.^

**(Sculpture Area)**

_**Deidara**_: Uggh, I bet the Sound ninjas don't have to deal with anything this annoying.

**(Sound Base)**

_**Orochimaru**_: SAS-U-KE

_**Sasuke**_: *CRAP*

_**Orochimaru**_: Sasuke, Kidomaru, Tayuya, Jirobo, Sakon, Ukon, Kabuto, Come here at once.

_**Sound Ninjas**_: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(After awhile all the sound ninjas gather around outside, while Orochimaru is standing in front of them with the most absolute creepiest smile on his face.)

_**Orochimaru**_: Now can anyone guess why I called all of you out here today?

_**Sakon**_: You wanted a chance to get Sasuke to come out of hiding, so we can help you catch him, so you could rape him?

_**Orochimaru**_: That plan would work, but sadly that's not why I called all of you out here.

_**Sasuke**_: *THANK GOD!* wait, what do you mean by **SADLY**!

_**Orochimaru**_: I have entered a gardening contest with the Akatsuki Leader, and we are going to see who has the best looking garden idea, He's going for the Alice in Wonderland theme, and I'm doing the Wizard of OZ theme, any questions?

_**Kidomaru**_: I might, for one gardening? Why gardening?

_**Orochimaru**_: The prize is a rare Jupiter Tulip.

_**Kidomaru**_: A flower, were going to do some gardening for a flower?

_**Orochimaru**_: Yup, It's rare and I want it.

_**Kidomaru**_: When's the contest?

_**Orochimaru**_: Tomorrow.

_**Sound Ninjas**_: WHAT! YOU UTTER (BEEEEEEEEEEEEP)

_**Sakon**_: Why didn't you tell us sooner, there's no way we can do something like that over night.

_**Orochimaru**_: Yes you can, because **YOU** want to beat the Akatsuki.

_**Tayuya**_: We do?

_**Orochimaru**_: Yes you do, and I'm going to help **YOU** help me win that rare plant.

_**Jirobo**_: What's so special about it?

_**Orochimaru**_: That's for me to know, and for Sasuke to find out.

_**Sasuke**_: *(BEEP)* and while they are working I'll escape and find a new place to hide.

_**Orochimaru**_: Hmmm…? Sasuke-kun where are you going? You and me are going to be working on the flower field, what do you say?

_**Sasuke**_: *GONE*

_**Orochimaru**_: Awww…Sasuke-kun where'd you go *cries* SASUKE! *cries*

**(Akatsuki Hideout, Fountain)**

_**Kisame**_: There, looks nice, don't you think Zetsu?

_**Zetsu**_: What is it?

_**Kisame**_: It's a fountain of the Mad Hatter from Alice in wonderland.

_**Zetsu**_: Looks like he's on crack.

_**Kisame**_: If you have any complaints take them up with Leader because he bought it.

_**Zetsu**_: Is the water coming out of his mouth and hat?

_**Kisame**_: Huh…I thought I was the only one who thought it was creepy.

_**Zetsu**_: I'm with you on that, I'm glade this fountain is above ground, and the base is underground, cause if I saw this face before I went to sleep, even I would have nightmares.

_**Kisame**_: I'm with you on that.

**(Hedges)**

_**Naomi/Hidan**_: *Revs chainsaw* Time to chop you up, you whining sock monkey! *Chases each other with the chainsaws*

(While Hidan and Naomi chase each other with the chainsaws they start cutting the hedges left and right.)

**(30 Minutes Later) **

_**Naomi/Hidan**_: *pant* *pant* *pant* (chainsaws die) What the?…NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! What I did? It's your fault!

_**Leader**_: What the hell happened to the hedges!

_**Naomi/Hidan**_: What? (Looks at the hedges)

_**Leader**_: Great job, the hedges are exactly the way I had envisioned them. Now that you two are done with the hedges Naomi I want you to help Tobi set up the light display, and Hidan I want you to start making the brick road and use white bricks, cause I don't want red or yellow bricks ruining the display. NOW!

**(The Entrance to the Garden)**

(Naomi walks over to Tobi so she can help him with the light display.)

_**Naomi**_: Hey Tobi, Leader told me to help you with the lights.

_**Tobi**_: YAY! Okay first we need to hook up lots of movie studio flood lights; you know the kind that turn night into day. We need to attach them to the cords like so.

_**Naomi**_: Heheh…hey Tobi how about we hook up speakers to the cords as well so when the lights come on there will be a song playing from the movie, and for each section of the garden a different song from the movie will play.

_**Tobi**_: YAY! Someone understands Tobi's intentions for fun!

_**Naomi**_: Lets get to work.

_**Tobi**_: Will you be Tobi's friend?

_**Naomi**_: Yup.

_**Tobi**_: Really? *cries* TOBI HAS A FRIEND!

**(Flower Garden)**

_**K**_: And this is what you put up this everyday since you got here?

_**Itachi**_: Yup.

_**K**_: If you knew it was going to be like this would you have done what you've done?

_**Itachi**_: Yup, Cause now I can eat all the dangos I want.

_**K**_: Here, here. Those are the best.

_**Itachi**_: Yup.

**(Sound Base)**

_**Orochimaru**_:__Back to work! I want that flower!

**(Akatsuki Hideout)**

_**Leader**_: I want to beat that pedo-snake,

**(Akatsuki Hideout/Sound Base)**

_**Leader/Orochimaru**_: WORK! I WANT TO WIN!

(Sun rises, Sun Sets, Sun Rises again, Sunday.)

**K belongs to TobiGB.**

**Naomi belongs to ****Kioko Kuraikawa.**

Both from .


	7. Super Special Awesome Bacon Final

**The Akatsuki's Daily Life**

**Sunday: Super Special Awesome Bacon! (**_**Finally)**_

(It was a Sunday afternoon; all the Akatsuki except Leader, Zetsu and Konan were driving around in a modified Lincoln Limousine. The back window was smashed, from the back window to the bumper; every inch of the car was covered in dents. On the inside there were nice tan, soft, comfortable leather seats and two front seats and three rows of three seats. Itachi was in the right driver's side, Deidara in the front passenger's seat; 1st row of three: from the left window Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan. 2nd row of three: Left window seat empty, Sasori, Tobi and 3rd row of three: the three seats were empty. As usual all were bickering about where to go get dinner so Leader won't shoot them. The car was swerving left and right seemingly uncontrollably, but Itachi did have an excuse. )

_**Deidara**_: Itachi what are you doing?

_**Itachi**_: Trying to get past the fat woman on that motorcycle! (Mumbles)

_**Sasori**_: Itachi.

_**Itachi**_: Yeah?

_**Sasori**_: Did you take any medicine that was in either of our side of the medicine cabinet?

_**Itachi**_: I took 5 blue headache pills, and 4 red stress release pills.

_**Sasori**_: Which side were these pills on anyway?

_**Itachi**_: I think they were both Leader's.

_**Kisame**_: Why do you ask?

_**Sasori**_: You'll see in about 30 minutes.

_**Itachi**_: GET OUT OF MY WAY!

_**Deidara**_: ITACHI! That's not a fat woman on a motorcycle; that's the Jack in the Box antenna ornament Tobi put on the rearview mirror.

_**Itachi**_: I don't care where she ate; I just want her out of my way!

_**Deidara**_: Hey bright eyes has the decrease in sight affected your hearing as well? HEY!

(After a while of driving the car pulls up to a Wendy's fast food restaurant; the guy looking through the drive-thru camera sees Itachi wearing a complete Spartan suit. Itachi stops at the order box and when the Wendy's guy asks "Welcome to Wendy's may I take your order?" Itachi yells.)

_**Itachi**_: On the day I was born, as all Uchiha babies, I was inspected for the utmost breed quality. If had I been weak or malformed, they would bind my ankles together and expose me on a mountaintop to die. Thankfully I was born perfect though. (Shrugs and flips his hair) After I was born I was trained to become the ultimate pokemon master-(2 hours later) ONWARD TO VICTORY, BROTHERS!

_**Deidara**_: Shut up.

_**Kisame**_: We shouldn't have let him watch Braveheart or the 300 last night.

_**Hidan**_: Hey I liked those (BEEP)ing movies.

_**Kakuzu**_: What about Pokemon.

_**Tobi**_: Tobi loves pokemon!

_**Deidara**_: That's it Tobi your going on the hood of the car! Come here you little-

(While Deidara is attacking Tobi and trying to tie him to the hood of the Lincoln Limo, Itachi is talking to the drive thru guy.)

_**Drive thru guy**_: Um Sir, I like your movie references but are you gonna order something or am I gonna have to call the police?

_**Itachi**_: Yeah I guess we'll have some tacos.

_**Drive thru guy**_: Um sir. This is Wendy's; we don't serve tacos here.

_**Itachi**_: What about a Mc. Flurry?

_**Drive thru guy**_: No we don't serve those either.

_**Itachi**_: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! What kind of fast food joint doesn't serve tacos or a Mc. Flurry?

_**Drive thru guy**_: The kind that isn't Taco Bell or Mc Donald's.

_**Itachi**_: Well good day to you.

(Itachi feeling insulted drives, without noticing that Tobi was tied to the trunk, and swerves recklessly away. Meanwhile at the Akatsuki hideout, Leader and Konan have just got back from writing out their new plan for world domination and noticed that all the Akatsuki are missing.)

_**Leader**_: Where the hell are those morons?

_**Konan**_: I'm sure they'll be back soon, let's just sit back and enjoy today's news.

(Konan turns on the TV and changes it to the news channel, when suddenly a Breaking News story interrupted the news for a car chase.)

_**Announcer**_: We interrupt this story for a Breaking News announcement; we take you live to Dave and Sam in the News chopper for an update.

**(Helicopter)**

_**Dave**_: Thank you Ralph, well as you can see here someone in that modified Lincoln Limousine is driving around recklessly and, oh wow he just ran into some construction signs, and is swerving in between lanes on the interstate.

_**Sam**_: Hold on we are getting a call. You're on the air with us is there something about this chase that you would like to give your opinion on?

**(On the phone)**

_**Tobi**_: HI! This is Tobi, and Tobi is currently locked in the trunk of the car because Deidara senpai was mad because Tobi liked Pokemon and Tobi wants to say this because Deidara senpai is listening to the traffic report on the radio. Deidara senpai, can Tobi come out now? Tobi is running out of air and Tobi feels funny like. Okay Tobi loves you bye-bye!

_**Dave**_: What the hell was that?

_**Sam**_: I think we were audio rapped.

_**Dave**_: No, you'd have to hear the German dub of the Naruto series for that.

_**Sam**_: Dave quit breaking the 4th wall!

**(Lincoln Limousine)**

_**Hidan**_: *suddenly wakes up* Did we crash are they dead? *looks around* Damn and I was hoping for you guys to be dead.

**(Akatsuki Hideout)**

(Leader just stares at the TV with the absolute most emotionless face anyone could ever see, and Konan asked the stupid question.)

_**Konan**_: Pein are you okay?

(But Leader just stood there with his right eye twitching at the sight of what the Akatsuki were doing it his car. The next day at a hospital, the seven Akatsuki members were all battered, bruised and have concussions; except for Tobi who was in a full body cast.)

_**Deidara**_: *moan* What happened?

_**Kisame**_: Who knows.

(Sitting by the door was none other than their Akatsuki Leader; sitting in a chair with his trusty shot gun at his side staring at them with the most disturbing smile on his face.)

_**Leader**_: Now how have you boys slept?

_**Itachi**_: Terrible, I haven't felt this bad since that green fairy incident with Kisame.

_**Kisame**_: How was I to know you had no alcohol tolerance?

_**Hidan**_: You didn't drink a fairy, that stuff was Unicorn piss.

_**Tobi**_: (happy) Ooh, what does that taste like?

_**Hidan**_: Hawaiian Punch and magic!

_**Tobi**_: Tobi wants to try! ouch, ow, ow. Tobi hasn't been injured like this since Tobi fell off the roof with Deidara senpai.

_**Deidara**_: Tobi I was trying to rig the roof so you WOULD fall, and the only reason I fell is because I lost my footing.

_**Sasori**_: To be fair, I pushed you.

_**Deidara**_: WHY YOU-

_**Kisame**_: Does anyone know what happened to us?

_**Kakuzu**_: And more importantly, is this gonna cost me money. Because the cost of-

_**Hidan**_: Blow it out your bagpipe!

_**Sasori**_: Wow, Hidan is so messed up his swearing off.

_**Konan**_: That's enough you guys.

(Konan walked into the hospital room holding Lucifer in her arms. Konan's Akatsuki cloak was covered with dried blood splatter all on her right side and a bit on her left.)

_**Konan**_: Itachi I think you forgot something. (Holds up Lucifer)

_**Itachi**_: Really, what?

_**Leader**_: *sigh* So Konan, mind telling these idiots what happened after I found out that they took my car?

_**Konan**_: Fine. You see after Pein found out about what you guys were doing with his car, he grabbed his shotgun, I grabbed Lucifer and we went after you guys. But because there was a road block Pein devised another way of catching up.

(A flashback into what happened the previous day; Leader was driving the van which the other Akatsuki were supposed to be using, Konan was in the passenger's seat and Lucifer was in a baby car seat in the second row. On their way to "_skin those morons alive_" the sheriff of the area was in charge of the road block, and was the only cop there, stopped Leader for trying to get past the road block. The sheriff was on his way back to his car when Konan, on Leader's orders, stepped in front of him while holding Lucifer and got him to walk by the trunk of the sheriff's squad car with Leader closing in on him.)

_**Sheriff**_: Miss I'll ask you again to get back inside your vehicle or I will have no choice but to arrest you. And believe me I don't want to do that in front of a child.

_**Konan**_: And if you don't let us through we'll have to use deadly force.

_**Sheriff**_: Like what?

_**Leader**_: Like this!

(Hearing Leader's voice the Sheriff quickly turned around and saw Leader standing behind him, and in that instant _BAM!_ Leader gave the sheriff a shotgun to the face. Konan turned to her left shielding the infant from the blood spatter and then proceeded in stuffing the sheriff's corpse in the trunk of the squad car then secures Lucifer in the baby car seat while Leader gets the keys. But two more cops come to stop the two people who are stealing a cop car so Leader dishes out two more shotgun to the face blasts. He then takes the time to stuff the cop's bodies into the van that he was previously driving and sets it on fire while driving away.)

_**Konan**_: Pein why did you use the shotgun to the face; that was meant to be the backup plan.

_**Leader**_: Shotgun to the face is my first offensive method.

_**Konan**_: Then what's you backup plan?

_**Leader**_: Double Tap.

**(Somewhere of the Interstate)**

_**Deidara**_: Itachi slow down!

_**Itachi**_: Never, not until I find a Mc. Donald's! I want my BIG MAC!

_**Kisame**_: We're all gonna get a big beating if you destroy Leader's car!

_**Hidan**_: Don't be a worry puss; he'll never know it was gone.

_**Sasori**_: I think you mean worry wart, scary cat or pickle puss.

_**Hidan**_: Shut up brain-in-the-box; I'm talking here!

_**Kakuzu**_: I'm not paying for the damage!

(Itachi swerves and side swipes a pole which cracks the passenger side window.)

_**Kakuzu**_: Not paying for that either.

_**Deidara**_: Hey where's Zetsu?

_**(Cruise Ship: Bahamas) **_

(Zetsu *black and white still formed together* was sitting back on the deck next to the pool in a blue Hawaiian shirt and a sun tanning reflector in a deck chair. On his left hand is a gold wedding ring in his ring finger and he's wearing shades. In the deck chair next to his is the ficus tree, he bought at Wal-Mart, and on the left side of the tree there's a matching wedding ring tapped and rubber banded to a branch. Another sun tanning reflector is crudely duck tapped to the trunk so that it reflects on the leaves. Between them is a small end table that has a large pink alcoholic beverage with two long straws in it; one Zetsu is using and the other one is sticking into the soil.)

_**Zetsu**_: Veronica, no back washing.

(Zetsu was enjoying his time when a stranger walks by and notices and asks the stupid question.)

_**Stranger**_: What…What are you doing!

_**Zetsu**_: We're on our honeymoon, do you mind getting out of the light? You're disrupting Veronica's and my photosynthesis.

(The stranger just walks away with a confused look on his face and Zetsu continues his normal…strange…unique habit.)

_**(Back on the Interstate)**_

(Itachi is sick of everyone so he turns on the radio and Itachi starts singing to the song with his own lyrics.)

_**Itachi**_: (Singing) I always feel like somebody's stalkin' me. My Brother wants to kill me. Whooooa-oh-oh. I always feel like somebody's stalkin' me, tell me, is it fantasy. Oh oh.

_**Deidara**_: Let me change the damn station! (Singing) That's what I do; I make C4 and clay in my room, Mold it to new forms then you go boom (Yeah). That's what I do!

_**Kisame**_: GAY! Let's listen to something good. (Singing) I have a cool cloak and a cool hair style, cool are my shark teeth and my gills so true, cool is my chakra and my skills are too, I have shark sword and it is so cool. I'm cool (dodo dodo dododo) Cool (dodo dododo).

_**Hidan**_: F**K this song!

_**Tobi**_: *In the trunk singing* I want to do a lot of activates but senpai we've got a bad Bromance!

_**Deidara**_: SHUT UP TOBI!

_**(Somewhere Else on the Interstate)**_

_**Leader**_: Gawd its quiet so I'm gonna turn on the radio. (Leader Singing) When they piss me off I shoot today, reload along the way, I make sure they never stay, alive because I have my gun to say, 'I will kill you all today'. Mu-whaha, mu-whaha, mu-whaha, muwa-haha!

(Later Itachi finally stops at a restaurant called Applebee's. Itachi drives up to the voice box and the Deidara order food, while Itachi thinks they are at Mc. Donald's. Itachi drives up and the drive thru guy hands them their food; Deidara looks inside while Itachi starts singing again while looking over that the food.)

_**Itachi**_: (singing) The Sun will come out tomorrow- OMG the food is alive!

_**Deidara**_: It growled at me!

_**Kisame**_: OMG a nightmare!

_**Sasori**_: What the hell does Gaara work here?

_**Gaara**_: (waves) Sup.

_**Deidara**_: (depressed) F**k my life.

_**Itachi**_: What kind of Mc. Donald's are we at? Where are we? Mexico! No hablo espanol!

_**Hidan**_: This isn't f**king Mc. Donald's you blind MF*****!

_**Itachi**_: Fine, then I shall continue my search, Deidara get rid of the ET food.

(Deidara tosses the living food out and Itachi drives off and they once again continue their search. After hours of driving the Akatsuki somehow end up at the docks.)

_**Hidan**_: How the F*** did we get here?

_**Kakuzu**_: Don't know maybe we should ask eagle eyes how we got here.

_**Itachi**_: Lock the doors I saw a hobo!

_**Kisame**_: Hey don't be a racist!

_**Itachi**_: Really Kisame, really; me a racist? If I'm a racist, Hidan's a saint and Sasori is a real boy.

_**Hidan**_: F**k you all!

_**Sasori**_: Hey don't drag me into this you idiots!

_**Deidara**_: He makes a point Sasori.

(Among the bickering a shotgun blast takes out the passenger side mirror.)

_**Deidara**_: Holy sh*t what the f**k was that!

(All but Itachi look out the windows and see a police car, Konan was driving and Leader was standing on the roof reloading his shotgun.)

_**Kisame**_: Oh crap it's Leader; Itachi hurry get us away from here now!

(Just then Itachi does some impossible like removers and somehow lose Leader. But not wanting to take any chances all the Akatsuki abandon the car and run for their lives and Tobi, somehow, manages to get out of the trunk and runs the opposite direction. The Akatsuki member run until they run on a dock with nothing in front of them but a deep, shark infested ocean; and the only thing in front of them is Leader holding his shotgun and Konan, carrying Lucifer in a baby holder, holding a large and deadly flame thrower; all while having a straight face.)

_**Leader**_: End of the line morons, you bunch of idiots will pay for destroying my car!

_**Kisame**_: Itachi was driving! (To Itachi) Sorry man but in this situation it's every man for himself.

_**Kakuzu**_: I said I'm not paying for it!

_**Itachi**_: Our only way out of this is to jump!

_**Sasori**_: You're not serious are you?

_**Itachi**_: Dead serious.

_**Sasori**_: There is NO way I'm jumping into a shark infested ocean.

_**Itachi**_: What now wimp-occhio.

_**Sasori**_: Last time I was in the ocean a shark took one of my legs, and I am not letting get the other one!

_**Kakuzu**_: How does that make any sense?

_**Sasori**_: Who cares, not jumping.

_**Deidara**_: We're dead either way, so I would like to choose how I die.

_**Hidan**_: I soon welcome the sweet pain that awaits me.

_**Sasori**_: Oh yeah! I totally forgot.

(Sasori reaches into his cloak and pulls out a large remote control and switches it on.)

_**Sasori**_: I implanted a special tracker in the car and when it locks on to its magnetic counterpart, which should be on Leader, and with this controller I can make this car drive over and save our lives.

(Sasori presses the green button that starts up the car and then sets the destination to the magnetic counterpart and lets it drive. Sasori has a big grin of his face when he thinks the car is coming at the Akatsuki Leader, but that grin fades as the car misses the turn off to the dock that the Akatsuki were on and instead runs over Tobi before stopping.)

_**Sasori**_: Oh yeah that's right; I put the counterpart on Tobi last week.

_**Deidara**_: Give me that, at least I get to have some satisfaction before I die.

(Deidara grabs the remote control from Sasori and uses its steering wheel to drive over Tobi multiple times before the car ran out of gas. With complete shocked looks on their face Tobi gets up with only a few scratches and bruises. )

_**Tobi**_: Tobi is okay!

(Not a moment later does the wooden dock beneath Tobi's feet give and Tobi falls into the shark infested waters, where the sharks attack him and his cries of fear and pain echo through the docks.)

_**Kisame**_: My brethren!

(With their demise staring them in the face Itachi makes a bold move.)

_**Itachi**_: Okay guys it's six of us and only two of them, we can take them down with us. On three. One. Two…THREE!

(The moment the lunge at leader and Konan everything goes black and all anyone can hear is their cries of pain.)

_**Itachi**_: Oh god we're not taking them with us!

_**Kisame**_: My everything is in such pain!

_**Deidara**_: This was a stupid idea!

_**Sasori**_: My wooden body will be reduced to ash!

_**Hidan**_: This by far the worst pain ever!

_**Kakuzu**_: I can't feel my coccyx!

_**(Present Day)**_

_**Konan**_: Remember now?

_**Akatsuki**_: uughh.

_**Leader**_: I choose to take that as a yes. Coma on Konan let's get these idiots discharged.

(As the Akatsuki were leaving the hospital, Zetsu opens the car doors to let them in.)

_**Deidara**_: Oh there you are Zetsu.

_**Konan**_: Did you enjoy your honeymoon Zetsu?

_**Hidan**_: Wait what?

(They all look behind Zetsu and see the ficus tree in a little red wagon filled with souvenirs and one side in particular is missing some leaves.)

_**Sasori**_: *whisper* Must have been one hell of a first night.

_**Zetsu**_: I'll be picking splinter out all week.

**The End**

**Song Parodies:**

**Itachi – Somebody's Stalkin' Me – Somebody's Watching Me**

**Deidara – That's what I do – That's what girls do **

**Kisame – I'm Cool – I'm Blue**

Leader (Pein) – Shoot them – Dragostea Din Tei (English Version)

(couldn't think of a better name for Leader's song any suggestions would be nice.)


End file.
